Sports Authority

{I have no idea where this story came from. I opened a word-count application yesterday to make sure my wasp story had 89 words, and this thing was sitting there on the program. I have no - let me repeat ZERO memory of writing it. Did I even write it? Did I hear it? Is it a made-up story, or something that actually happened. And if it did happen, did it happen to me, or someone else. This kind of crazy adventure does happen to me (who can forget the Ancient Law Of The McMuffin, a 100% true story?), but I really don't ever talk this way. Or spell this way! It remains a mystery. I hope you enjoy it anyway. -H}

I walk into Sports Authority, and right up to the man with the name tag.

I like a man with a name tag.

Sez to me, I've shown you mine, now show me yours.

The name tag sez Chet.

Well not so much sez Chet as reads Chet.

Actually that isn't right either.

I read the word on the name tag, to myself, mind you. I don't need to be readin' out loud unless it be one of them four-dollar words you get down at City Hall or a lawyer's office or the last 12 ingredients on a can of peanut-butter Spam.

So I sez - out loud and everything - so I sez to Chet I sez, Is this Sports Authority?

Chet sez to me he sez, Did you see the sign when you came in?

I sez to Chet I sez, Yes I did.

Chet sez to me, Did it say 'Gerta's House of Girthy Girdles and other Fabulous Foundational Filler'?

I sez to Chet, No it did not. As a matter a fact it didn't say anything.

Chet sez to me, You sure about that, Capt'n?

(I'm not actually a Captain, but I have been thinking of starting my own military and Commissioning myself as a Captain in that military. How did Chet know? Score one for him.)

So I sez to Chet, I sez, it didn't say anything because signs don't generally talk, unless you got one of them fancy talkin' signs you see in the big city. But there were some words and those words were Sports Authority.

Chet sez to me, Well there you go, Capt'n. He half turns as if his job is done. What he don't know is that I played him like a box o' Fiddle-Faddle, and now I show him hooze the CrackerJack.

I sez to Chet, I sez, I don't think you quite took my meaning. I wasn't arguing what you called yourself. Fact is, Anyone can wear a sign sayin' - uh, that reads (I could see him about to use my thing that I used on him on me) - anything. Take you fr'example. Your name might not even be Chet. Your name could be Todd or Pet or D.B. McSweeney - wearin' that Chet sign don't make it so.

Chet looks at me, fresh respect in his eyes. He sez to me, You might right got a point there, Capt'n. We could call ourselves Sports Authority but be selling those frilly unmentionables I unmentioned earlier.

Yes, I sez to Chet. That's right.

Chet smiles at me. The smile of a shark. Chet sez to me, Look around you, Capt'n. Do you see all the brassiers, and the underpanties, and the stretchy spanky stockings?

No, I sez to Chet. No, I do not.

What do you see? Chet asks me, setting me up for the spike.

I sez to Chet, I sez, Oh, I see some tennis rackets over there, and some volley balls in that bin, and some skis over there and...

Chet cuts me off and sez, Would you call that Sporting Equipment, Capt'n?

Yes I would, I sez to Chet. I would indeed.

Chet gives me a look, a look like, Okay finally we got that settled.
But Chet shoulda known. THIS Capt'n ate his Crunchberries this mornin'.

I sez to him, I sez, Chet, I'm afraid you still don't take my meaning. I have no doubt this business is called Sports Authority, and you do indeed sell a whole bunch'a merchandise related to sports. But you'll pardon me for sayin' so - that don't make you an Authority on Sports, if you follow me.

Chet smiles, but it never touches his eyes. He knows it's back on now, like a twice rain-delayed baseball game they're trying to get in so they don't have to play a double-header tomorrow.

Chet sez to me, You want to test me, Capt'n? Fire away.

you can't play a player, Chet

The Mighty Wasp


{I made a deal with someone: provide me with any picture, and I will write a 89-word story about it. Below is what I was given, and what I came up with. Try not to get stung}


Behold the mighty wasp. Unmatched in flight and fury. Bringer of pain and death. Destroyer of worlds. 

So easily the mighty wasp flits on the precipice, prepared to enter, to conquer, to rule. 

But this is no wasp hive hole, nor is there easy meat inside the scratched, weathered wood. 

There is destruction past these parts, but destruction for the wasp alone.  

So enter, conquering giant, enter and discover that not all pain is inflicted by thee, but on thee, too. 

Enter and discover the end, o' mighty wasp.

carry away

carry away the heartache, carry away the lies
carry away the pity and disgust within your eyes
carry away the sadness, that makes you feel so blue
carry away most everything, but darling, never you

eliminate the violence, eliminate the rage
eliminate anxiety that locks you in a cage
eliminate the danger you fear is coming true
eliminate most everything, but darling, never you

atone for your transgressions, atone for callousness
atone for thinking you could walk away without a mess
atone for all the things that you swore you'd never do
atone for almost everything, but darling never you

forgive yourself the petty, forgive yourself the dumb
forgive all your self-pity you allowed to make you numb
forgive the hurt you caused, and the hurt they caused to you
return to where you're loved, and let's begin anew

[painting: Burial Of Atala by Anne-Louis Girodet de Roussy-Trioson]

Flowers & Fauna & Flags - Canada style

Today is Canada Day, which is the day Canadians use so they won't feel jealous over America's 4th of July. (I mean, really: how can you celebrate your independence when the Queen is still on the money?)

I have this whole theory about Canada and their holidays, but since it is their, **ahem** Independence Day, we won't make fun of them. Instead, I thought we could rank their flags, their flower, and their floozies! (Sorry; I just wanted three f-l words.) How about their animals to round things out?


#13 Alberta - I got a lot of love for the Berties, but this flag is borrrrrring.

#12 (tie) Manitoba and Ontario - Jeez, guys; do you call each other before you get dressed for work, too? Suuuuure, they're independent. That isn't a Union Jack.... (I was going to give Manny slightly more credit, for the Buffalo, but they came up with their flag later, which brings them back into a tie.)

#10 Nova Scotia - Maybe if the Lion thingy were Godric Gryffindor!

#9 Saskatchewan - This is a fairly simple flag, but there is something elegant about the austerity, n'est pas?

#8 Newfoundland and Labrador - This isn't a tie, these two provinces are just "together," if you know what I mean. I like how they use negative space to trick you into thinking it's one of those pennant flags instead.

#7 Quebec - In case anyone forgets, they're actually French, they have the fleur de lis four times! Too bad it's pretty.

The Hardest Part

Given the way, the days go by 
he asks her why her heart's so cold
Taking his hand, she understands, 
why so few lovers ever grow old

Down the trail they walk in veiled 
conversation, hiding pain
Never before had so much more 
than coursing love between them lain

Promises made and hearts displayed 
in quiet whispered lovers' songs
Held up to the burning Fire
the words speak liar, the notes sound wrong

Holding on, the vanishing dawn, 
the fading light of lovers' glow
The hardest part of broken hearts
is learning how to just let go