first Kitty

I know I told you today would be a new look at terrorism, but my back is still preventing me from spending the time I need to get everything done. Hopefully by tomorrow. In the meantime, I have a funny story to relate.

I got this email from Tracy, asking among other things how she was supposed to use the email address “

That’s what I had on my email link over on the left. The reason was to prevent spam bots from emailing me as they troll the internet looking for links. The implicit understanding (I thought) was that if you wanted to email me, you’d take out the REMOVE SPAM part.

Tracy, though undoubtedly intelligent, couldn’t grasp this. I patiently explained it to her, and she replied with this:

Perhaps I should send back my Mensa membership, but how do people other than bots email you from that link? I tried it first and was brutally denied, but perhaps I AM just a moron, alas.

I immediately counseled her to remove all sharp objects from her home, so she wouldn’t accidentally impale herself.

The next thing she wanted to know was how she could become an Evil Kitty of the Realm (the link over the bottom right). As you know, that’s going to be the websites I personally recommend. I told her the qualifications, but said that I was going to be pretty exclusive and already had my first few candidates, but would read her website to see if it met my standards.

Tracy wrote back, countering with a bribe. She wrote:

The Bribe Basket contains a copy of Deathstalker and a plastic poodle, both of which are yours if you make me an evil Kitty, you dashing thing, you.

Now, I’m easy but I’m not cheap. However, a plastic poodle! Not to mention one of the all-time cult classics, DEATHSTALKER.

Added to the fact that her website really is worthwhile (I just wanted to make her sweat, and I am proud to announce that the First Evil Kitty of the Realm is Tracy of Kaply Inc. Go on over and say hi, and tell her I sent you.

One final note on this: Tobias has been listening to the KILL BILL soundtracks obsessively, and he came up with an idea. Rather than just put the link over there, Tobias said I should call each Evil Kitty and actual cat name, like Bill did in the movies by giving his assassin snake names. Who am I to argue? Although I may not do this forever, I hereby christen Tracy as CALICO.

Okay. I do actually have something for you to read today. In preparation for tomorrow (knock on generic advil bottle), I want you to read something I wrote almost five years ago, but never showed anybody.

Here’s the back-story. The date was September 10, 2001. I came home from work and sat down to write out a column that had been brewing in my mind. The column was about terrorism, and America’s roots. Now, back then I sent out the column via email, and rarely wasted any time between writing the last word and pushing SEND. (Much to my mother’s dismay, as she said I had too many typos.) However, I was trying to turn over a new leaf, and take some time between composition and dissemination, so for the first time ever I didn’t push send.

Then the next day happened, and of course I never ended up sending it. Part of me wished I had (what prescience I would have had), But part of me realized that most people wouldn’t have seen it for a few days, and dates on an email are a tricky thing. In other words, I might have been lynched.

A few months later I offered the column to whomever wanted it, but only Koz and Erik Longnecker ever took me up on it.

Anyway, I think enough time has passed (and you could find it on your own anyway if you poured through the Hyperion Chronicles). In preparation for two new columns tomorrow, take a look at #60 Land of the Free





Anonymous said...

Well spoken as always Hypie.

Postmodern Sass said...

It looks like Hyperion is creating his own version of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad -- the Kitty DIVAS.