Ask H.A.T. IV (plus villainy!)

I got in this crazy argument with Ajax over whether bad guys could be redeemed. Ajax is staunch they should make a choice to be evil and stick with it. (Nobody likes a Quitter.) I have no problem with that philosophy, but also think there is room for powerful redemption stories with bad guys.

Anyway, even though Ajax is several crackers short of a Lunchables, you have to admire his dedication. Not satfisfied with coming in second in our argument, he went out and made two top ten lists: the Pure Evil baddies, and the (as he sees it) Wussies who went soft. He provided his own pictures!, so at this point I'm willing to overlook anything.




Who will be on his lists? Head on over and find out why Ajax is Evil!

***

First of all, before we get started and she starts trashing me like the raving lunatic that she is, I want to say I'm really enjoying this weekly column with Tracy of Kaply Inc. (sort of like "Helen of Troy," but with more treachery.) No matter how wrong her advice is (and it's usually wrong), she's a good kid. She was my first Evil Kitty of the realm, and it'd be worth your time to read her site every day. Okay, on with the program. As always, these are actual Readers dumb enough to ask us questions......


And so, we come to another exciting edition of…


ASK H.A.T.
“Were here to listen. It’s not that we care, it’s just that we’re bored”




Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Last week Tracy called you "Dubbah." What does that mean?


Signed,
Looking for a new insult


Dear Looking,

Hyperion: I had no idea what Tracy meant when she called me “Dubbah.” (This in itself is not disconcerting. To exist in TL's world is to not understand half of what she says, and disbelieve the other half.) At first I thought she was dyslexically calling me the Buddha, because of my sagacity and my large, uh, bodi tree. However, one suspects it's one of those "quaint" New England expressions. I'll turn it over to Tracy so you can get it straight from the horse's mouth.

Tracy Lynn: In the Maine patois, to call someone a dubber or dubbah is to imply that they lack even the basic skills to remember how to breathe.


I call Hyperion this, as should be obvious, because of his complete inability to focus on the question at hand at any given time with out devolving into an essay on lesbians, Vincent Vega or broccoli.

Hyperion: There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio Lynn, then are dreamt of in your philosophy.

While we're on the subject, what are some other Maine sayings?

Tracy Lynn: Well, what you think of as a milkshake, we call a frappe. If you ask for a milkshake, you get chocolate milk. We use the term wicked a lot, as in this column is wicked good.


A U turn is referred to as a u-ey, we have traffic circles, and ayuh is still very much in use. Some people still call soda tonic. And a clambake is when you dig a pit in the sand, put in a fire, cover the coals with seaweed, throw in a bunch of clams, lobsters, etc and cover it up with sand and let it bake for hours.


And as to whether I have a Maine accent, the answer is...sometimes

Hyperion: I think the "Main" thing to remember is that people from Maine are crazy.




Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Who is more dangerous between you two? What about Men vs. women?


Signed,
Battler between the Sexes


Dear Battler,

Hyperion: The answer to both questions are the same, so I'll handle this jointly. I've always been bigger and stronger than those around me, and been "feared" for that reason. But several years ago I had a woman tell me, "You scare me, and it's not because of your size, it's because there isn't a line you won't cross, there isn't a rule you won't shatter, there isn't a dark place you won't go if you feel justified in doing so." (Should have married that girl....sniff sniff)

With that said, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Tracy Lynn is the more dangerous of us two, as are women in general.

I think we can readily admit that obvious: men commit more violence. Because of testosterone? Maybe. The "Y" chromosome? Seems likely. Having to put up with women? That's another question.

But apart from psychopaths, men generally have a logical reason for their danger, like you stole their car, hurt a woman, or ate their beef jerky. Where as a woman might stab you for simply pointing out one of the 8959 problems with New England.

I read once that a woman will be much quicker to kill, though she will feel worse about it later. As for our esteemed Tracy Lynn, you've read all the threats she makes against me. Sometimes I feel lucky there are so many thousands of miles between us. (On the other hand, I like violent women; find them sexy, which is half the reason I wanted to work with her in the first place.)

Tracy Lynn: While I normally hate to do this, as I feel it encourages him in a way that will end badly, I agree with Hyperion that I am the more dangerous of the two of us.

I could back this up with my many adventures in drunkenness, my tales of bar fights and endless psychotic romantic drama, but I think we all know that that would be unwise until I can determine the statute of limitations.

As to the Men vs. Women, I think that women just snap at a higher point, and then look out! While men will tend to bark, bark, bark, just because they can, and that provides a way to let off steam.

And Hyperion is SO lucky I've mastered some rudimentary anger management.

Hyperion: To be serious for just a moment (as I’m statutorily required to once per column), I don’t mean to trivialize all the women out there who’ve been victims of abuse at the hands of men. Men are more violent, and there is absolutely no question about that.

But to pull the question out of the abuse angle, the question of who is more dangerous—among otherwise normal people—is different. Women are generally smarter when it comes to relating to people, and they are definitely slyer and more cunning. And they are unpredictable. Everyone knows this. It is for these reasons I think women are more dangerous. As for Tracy Lynn, she’s a red head. Need I say more?

Tracy Lynn: Please don't say anymore. I'm begging you. We're ALL begging you.




Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Your columns are too long


Signed,
Easily bored


Dear Easy,

Hyperion: Feel free to sod off and die. We provide you with entertainment and quality knowledge, for free I might add, and you have the temerity to question the manner in which we provide it? You are a cad, and I'll say good day to you, sir!

Tracy Lynn: I love it when Hypey gets all vulgar.




Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?


Signed,
Looking for something cooler than a hamster


Dear Looking,

Tracy Lynn: I would definitely be a cat. I'm smart, independent, and cuddly, but only on my terms. And if you say one word about pussy, Hyperion, I will cut you, I swear.

Hyperion: I have no idea what you're talking about. You'll have to be more specific. Anyway, you totally ducked the question. You answered it like some email circular. Respect our readers and get into the question! If you're a cat, why? What kind of cat? Jeez, don't be such a pussy.

Tracy Lynn: First of all, you can't just pick a damn cat, they all are cool and unique. That is what makes them cats, the fact that each one has it's own personality, that they consent to live with humans without any of that master/owner crap, so that if a cat likes you, it actually is a measure of respect.


And you just couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to play the pussy card. Bastard.

Hyperion: I don’t see why I should be penalized. Women play that card all the time.

But enough about small cats (who aren’t nearly worthy of this many words). After much consideration, and seeing as how I can’t be an all-black Siberian Tiger (because Tracy Lynn would accuse me of copying her), I think I would be a grizzly bear.

I’m generally peaceful, like to eat all day and sleep most of the year, and can seem cuddly and even playful. But you get in the way of food, you mess with my family, you make me mad, and suddenly I’m the meanest, fastest, strongest beast you ever saw. I’m a monster.

By the way, Tracy Lynn is totally a Tasmanian devil.

Tracy Lynn: Oh yeah? Bears eat garbage. Suck on that, Yogi.

Hyperion: Bears only eat garbage if evil humans leave it lying around. Cats cough up their own fur, they lick themselves everywhere (who's frenching that?), they are intensely non-loyal, finicky, and without redeeming social value. They act like they own the world, demand everything, change their mind at a moment's notice, and never contribute to the household.

I guess I can see why you're a cat. Actually, I guess all women are. No wonder the similar names....

Tracy Lynn: There's not a big enough ass or hat in the world to describe you....you Asshat.

Hyperion: And thus ends another successful column! Join us next week when we discover the joy of cooking, determine which continent is the coolest, and delve into Tracy’s Psyche (for which we’ll need an exorcist). You will join us, and keep sending in those questions!

7 comments:

Tracy Lynn said...

Hey, this is pretty cool. Mind if I post it on my site?

Dragon said...

Bravo, you two. This is fast becoming my favourite Friday morning read.

tiff said...

Golly, you guys. I'm learning ever so much!

Hyperion said...

Tracy Lynn - I'm not sure I want to be associated with you, so I'm going to have to say no on posting this on your site.

Dragon - It should be your ONLY Friday morning read!

Tiff - Golly? What you, 100?

Tracy Lynn said...

I have been advised by the Maine Bureau Of Getting Things Right that I neglected to mention the phrase 'dumb as a sack of hammers' and 'dumb as a hake' in my section on Maine-isms, hake being a particularly stupid fish, which is saying something, because fish are not very high up on the brain list anyway.

You hereby have my apologies.

rennratt said...

Tracy Lynn -

In Northern Maine, we simply called people 'Friggin Tahds'.

tiff said...

hyperion - I should substitute "golly" with "holy sheeyit, y'all!"

For I am not yet half a hundred, and should remember to use the youthful phraseology to retain my childlike nature.