Fugue

What a week! (And it's not even over)

I wrote an entire column on my terrible drafting strategy in my Fantasy Football league, and then I realized that very few people will care. So, if you're one of the six readers who know a RB from an Arby's, take a look at why my life is over.

***

Reminder: Tomorrow the Hyperion Institute begins for the first time ever Weekend posts. No big deal, but show up here any time after midnight on Saturday and then on Sunday to read some crazy stuff! Don’t miss it, or you’ll make Baby Jebus cry!



***

It's time for another edition of Ask H.A.T. Coincidentally (or is it?), today's Monkey Barn Interview is all about Tracy Lynn, my partner in Crime.






As always, these are actual letters from actual readers…..with nothing better to do……



Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Do you believe in Ghosts? My cousin swears her house is haunted and she's a little weird but we were there spending the night and all sorts of freaky s**t happened and I don't know what to think

Signed,

Hiding from Casper


Dear Hiding,

Tracy Lynn: I'm pretty sure that ghosts exists, if for no other reason than no one has ever proven that they don't. I like to keep my mind open about stuff like that. Of course, not so open my brain falls out; you won't find me at a séance or a Ouiji board, but the idea that some souls attach themselves to this plane doesn't seem that farfetched to me.

Of course, first you have to accept the idea of the soul in the first place...

Anyway, I doubt that a ghost is going to stab you with a grapefruit spoon, as I am likely to do if people start babbling about being scared of ghosts, because a corporeal being who is afraid of an incorporeal being, is, quite frankly, a doofus.

Hyperion: Sigh. Where do I even begin?

Anyone familiar with the Scientific method knows you don't set up hypothesis in a way that the negative is un-provable. It'd be like saying, "Dinosaurs exist until someone can prove they don't." How could you ever prove they don't exist? No, the way you'd set up the hypothesis is to say, "Dinosaurs don't exist." Then if someone ventures into the darkest jungles of Iowa (oh yes: there are jungles) and returns with ye olde Pterodactyl, then you've disproved the hypothesis, and go on accordingly.

Similarly, saying that ghosts probably exist because "no one has ever proved they don't" is beyond silly. By that logic, fairies exist, goblins exist, and so do girls who can think logically!

All that aside, I somewhat agree with TL that the concept of a ghost is not overwhelming to me. 'Twere proof of ghosts demonstrated to me, I wouldn't be shocked. However, I've yet to see any evidence I consider remotely compelling. (And no, anecdotal doesn't count.)

Tracy Lynn: Thank you, Professor, for that moving and masterly exposition on scientific theory. Have you ever felt a *ahem* presence?

Hyperion: Well, now that you mention it.....

When I was four, living in Kenya I got to go horseback riding at these people's house. We rode up to this shack they said was haunted. I remember distinctly riding up to that house and seeing ghosts inside.

But here's the thing: I was four. I also thought white teenagers were all evil, because there were these missionary kids that would chase us with machetes. I feared white teenagers for years when we moved to America. They must have been joking, but I didn't know. And the same probably holds true with ghosts.

I'm not trying to impugn anyone here, but any time I hear someone talk about ghosts, they are always people who tend to think...emotionally, and not rationally. Having a debate with them is pointless, because they know what they know. (Much like arguing religion with some people.)

But what about you? Ever felt the Sixth Sense?

Tracy Lynn: Lots of times. Of course, I also thought the knives were talking to me and that people lived in the walls, so I'm not sure how much credence you can give to the beliefs of a Old-School Crazy Drunk.

Hyperion: I guess if crazy people didn't have credibility, neither one of us would have this column.



Dear Tracy and Hyperion,

What's the best "mood" music to get some action? Salsa, Bolero, John Denver....?

Out of Key in Kentucky


Dear Out Of Key,

Tracy Lynn: While this can be a highly subjective thing, IE, some people could find polka erotic, there are some old stand bys. I, personally, love me some Barry White, clichéd as that may sound.

B.B. King is another guy that can set the mood. Bass lines are generally integral to the atmosphere if you want to score, and the smoother the sound, the smoother the groove, wink wink nudge nudge.

That said, Nine Inch Nails will do it, too. For me, anyway. I have a feeling H may be one of those erotic polka freaks I mentioned earlier.


Hyperion: First, I think we need to establish that along with being infinitely cooler than whitey, black folk make much better "get into the mood" music than anyone else. (Spanish speakers would be next.)

When in doubt, find the blackest music you can, whether it's R&B, soul, blues, jazz, or even Hip-Hop and Rap (and if you think that doesn't put the girls in the mood, you should have seen what happened when I played OPP the other day. I thought I'd get jumped.)

Specifically, I agree with Tracy Lynn's choices, although personally I like a good Marvin Gaye or even better: Billie Holiday. Any woman who won't make out with you after hearing that is clearly having a "heavy flow day."

Now that I think about it, Nora Jones's first CD is fantastic as well. (I think she's an honorary black person.) It's smooth and quiet and just groove music. If you want a soundtrack, the Love Jones soundtrack will have you paying child support in no time. As for the questioners picks, Salsa is good for the dance floor, but not back in the apartment unless there are margaritas flowing. "Bolero" is a good selection, since it's 17 minutes long, and if you can't get her in the
mood in 17 minutes, you're better off just watching
Sports Center.

Shockingly, as evil as John Denver was, and as corny as his music is, he does have this incredibly romantic duet with Pavarotti called "Perhaps Love." If you are already dating the girl, this is cincher.

Otherwise, always bet on black.


Tracy Lynn: You DID NOT just use the phrase 'heavy flow day'. I know you didn't, because, if you did, it would be like signing your own death certificate, and, previous to this, I had given you at LEAST enough credit to afford you some survival instinct.


Hyperion: Talk about getting off track. What term would you prefer I use? And don't go telling me I can't talk about this because I'm not a woman. I've never claimed to understand what women go through, but the question asked about music aimed at getting action, and it would be irresponsible for me not to at least bring it up.

Tracy Lynn: First of all, To SWOP or not to SWOP is not in any way the question here, and making it the question is just pure salaciousness on your part. The question was about sexy music, damnit. You're going to have to reign in your prurient interest in SWOP until we get a question on it.

It's not about being a woman, it's about staying on topic for once in your benighted life.


Hyperion: You're the one who got off topic, by getting all "uppity" about my reasonable explanation that Billie Holiday is virtually a sure thing. Now you get even further off topic with this mysterious SWOP. I have no idea what that means. I just Googled it, and the top entries are Specifications Web Offset Publications (not even close), Sex Workers Outreach Project (at least we're in the ballpark, so to speak), Scottish Working Group on Official Publications (this raises interesting possibilities), and finally dictionary.com says "swop" is slang for swap. Is this one of those Maine patty-wah things? when you say "to SWOP," do you mean "to swap bodily fluids" i.e., sex? If so, I have to say, that's not very elegant, Tracy Lynn. You can do better.


Tracy Lynn: It's not the reference to Billie, dumbass, it's the reference to a woman's heavy flow days, and to SWOP is to have Sex While On Period. And you know exactly why I'm pissed, Mr. I Could Get Any Woman With Billie Unless She's On Her Period. That's so chauvinistic. Pig.

Hyperion: Sounds like someone's having a HFD of her own....a Hungarian Fussy Day.

Tracy Lynn: You do realize that you will fully feel the female hate on this one?

Hyperion: I'm not trying to piss people off, but I have to talk about this stuff (especially when it comes to sex, right?)

Tracy Lynn: (visibly trying to be patient) I guess. It's just that Periods are THE hot button topic for women, and ANYTHING a man says about it is WRONG.....HAHAHAHAHAHA

But it's okay, because women DO need to lighten up on this subject

Hyperion: hee hee

Tracy Lynn: WHAT?

Hyperion: You said "lighten up." Wouldn't that actually be the solution to everyone's problems here?

Tracy Lynn: Dude, I just got it when you typed that and soda came out of my nose.

Hyperion: Did the soda have a heavy flow?




Dear Hyperion,

In what ways are you like a woman?

Dear Tracy,

In what ways are you like a man?

Signed,

Androgynous


Dear Androgynous,

Tracy Lynn: Some of these questions make me extremely curious about our readership.

OK, Hyperion is like a woman in that he's soft, a bit fluffy mentally, and extremely sentimental. And I think he tends to over think things.

I am like a man in that I don't always listen, I tend to be pretty bossy and I am extremely solution oriented.

I'm pretty sure that Hyperion has an essay on something or other that he has saved for just this occasion, so I'll turn it over to him.

Hyperion: I am like a woman in that I care about what people I don't even know think about me. I am like a woman in that I'm communicative, I'm intuitive, and I'm emotionally connected. I'm like a woman in that I am nurturing and fiercely protective of my people. I'm like a woman in that I like to talk on the phone, think about what other people might be thinking about, and often put the needs of others above my own.

Tracy Lynn is like a man in that she's confident, sometimes brash, and doesn't seem to care what others think too much. She says what she thinks, is fearless, and isn't very touchy-feely. Tracy Lynn is like a man in that she would die if anyone found out that beneath her swagger she can really be very sweet.

Tracy Lynn: Jebus, Hyperion, I know we decided to be honest here, but did you have to deteriorate into a Hallmark moment?

Hyperion: That's such a male thing to do! Turn all defensive when we're finally sharing our feelings. You're dead inside!

Tracy Lynn: Maybe you'd feel better if you joined a book club or something. I'm going to call you Betty from here on out.

Hyperion: I think the important thing to remember is that as a full actualized person, I'm in touch with my feelings. But I'm also capable of thinking and acting rationally. As a redhead, as a New Englander, as a woman, you just don't have that option.

Tracy Lynn: Yeah, good luck with that, Becky.

Hyperion: Becky? I thought I was Betty! Can't you even keep track of details like that. If only you had a man in your life organize it for you....

Tracy Lynn: I have you in my life and I STILL need a man. That’s irony for you….you asshat.

Hyperion: Ah, the Asshat.….Join us next week when we discuss the meaning of Life, debate Garden Gnome Genitalia, and once and for all determine why no one has ever seen Bruce Wayne and Cookie Monster in the same place. KEEP THOSE QUESTIONS COMING!

3 comments:

Kaida said...

Hungarian Fussy Day. I was laughing so hard that I actually spit tea on my monitor. You two are a riot!

Because I Can said...

You don't have to believe in such things as a soul to believe in ghost

Hyperion said...

Kaida - We totally are

Because i can - This is true, though hardly the point. Wait, now that I think about it, even though what you said is a total no sequitor, it's not true. How could you believe in ghosts if you didn't believe in a soul?