Pirates beneath our Wings

"Murderers lie cuz they got to, witnesses lie because they think they got to, and everyone else lies for the sheer joy of it."

-Detective Meldrick Lewis (from Homicide: Life on the Street)


Today is September 15, one day to be known the world over as International Lady Jane Scarlett Day.

(You will notice I am not posting Friday and Saturday as I usually do. That is because--perhaps against my better judgment, I am once again presenting Weekend Institute. Join us here all wekeend long for games, great columns, and s'mores.)

However it is Lady Jane Scarlett's Day! Over on Monkey Barn, we prepared a little retrospective on Lady Jane Scarlett's time at Monkey Barn. (Bring a hankie.)

And if THAT were not enough, little Tobias demanded to be allowed to sing Happy Birthday to Lady Jane Scarlett. The problems were that A) Singing Happy Birthday is illegal without paying the royalties and B) River Midgets are not known for their voices, which is why they usually do not speak. However, he insisted, and we finally agreed on a Bette Midler song he could sing to her.

So, for Lady Jane Scarlett (and NO ONE ELSE, Tobias warns!), know that you are the Wind Beneath His Wings:

this is an audio post - click to play

and now, on with the show.


Ask H.A.T.
“800 Million Hindus Can’t be Wrong!”

Dear Hyperion and Tracy Lynn,

What is your favorite cartoon- childhood, now, and all time?

Saturday Morning

Dear Saturday Morning,

Tracy Lynn: In the interest of sanity, I'm going to rule out all feature length films, and deal only with the half hour format. I'm pretty sure I can cover the first one, because Scooby, when I was a kid, was my favorite. It had something passing for plot, and I like me some mysteries!

Nowadays, and this is a much harder one, because I've now found Japanese anime, and am completely addicted. Right now, I'm on the edge of my seat with Naruto. I enjoy Bobo-bo-bobo-bobo, Fooly Cooly, Inuyasha, Cowboy Bebop and others. For American toons, I like Xiaolin Showdown, Foster's, Ben 10, and, in reruns, The Tick and Invader Zim.

All time fave is a bit tricky, but would definitely go this way: Warner Bros, Batman Series, ALL OF THEM. From the Original series with its strong 30's feel, to the latest Batman The Animated Series, dealing with his early years as a crime fighter, these cartoons are exactly what I like.

Smart, paranoid and lots of tech. It's like a fantasy come true.

Hyperion: While we had Scooby Doo and Voltron in Kenya, I did not identify with American cartoons until coming to America, and for me it was the Smurfs. There was none so wise as Papa, none so strong as Hefty, and no one I hated more than Brainy.

I still remember how special Saturday mornings were; that sacrosanct time reserved for children to go nuts and watch cartoons to their hearts’ content. I am in favor of the greater access we now have to cartoons, but I have to say that in some ways their ubiquitousness has made them less special, and today’s generation will never know the church-like feel we had for cartoons growing up.

As for Today, with the exception of Sunday nights on Fox I think Japanese cartoons have surpassed American cartoons in spades. For me the best cartoon ever made was Cowboy Bebop. Its sophistication is so breathtaking I do not know how to handle it. (My brother got me the entire series back in 2002; remains the greatest gift ever). And Ed has to be my favorite character. How can you not love her?

Tracy Lynn: OH MY GOD, are you telling me you have the entire series of Cowboy Bebop on disc? I seethe with jealousy!

Hyperion: Would you like to borrow it? I can send it to you.

Tracy Lynn: That’s sweet, but I better pass for now. I have so many things to watch I’m going to need three new kidneys just to make it that long.

Dear Ask H.A.T.,

How has your meteoric rise to fame and fortune changed you? Do you wear disguises to restaurants, hire goons to keep the paparazzi at bay?

Wishing I Were Famous

Dear Wishing,

Tracy Lynn: Dude, we're famous? Why didn't anyone tell me? I mean, that's the kind of thing I'd like to know.

On the disguises, that's all Hyperion ever wears, or at least that's how he explains the cat suit to me. And I, personally, function as my own goon squad.

Hyperion: I stay under the radar by pretending to be a person who has achieved no measurable success whatsoever.

So far, so good.

Tracy Lynn: If I'm famous, then I should be able to afford to go restaurants. I like restaurants. People bring you food and take away the dirty dishes. It's like paradise, although the number of virgins is unknown, but meager, I suspect.

Hyperion: I am fairly certain there are no virgins in the restaurant business. Maybe there are a few when they start out, but after a month of waitressing....

Tracy Lynn: Now you've done it. You are never going to be able to eat out again without some waitress doing unspeakable things to your food. And rightly so, I might add, as a former waitress. You bastard.

Hyperion: I expose the dirty little secret that waitresses get laid, and I am history's greatest monster? I suppose I should keep a lid on the fact that almost everyone in the restaurant industry smokes too? (Regardless of if they did when they started.)

I am a total fan of the Working Girl. I support Servers. Ask any who have ever had me as a customer. (Or, ask any who have ever "had" me as a customer, if you know what I am saying.)

You know, I have totally forgotten the question.

Tracy Lynn: That's probably for the best. Let's move on, shall we?

Dear Hyperion and Tracy,

Last week you trashed Vegetarians and Vegans. What's up with that? Are you so ignorant that you don't know that A) Vegetarianism/Veganism is a much healthier lifestyle and B) A morally superior position?

You two are no better than common murderers.

Up on a High Horse (but not eating it)

Dear Horse,

Tracy Lynn: Gods, this sounds like one of those loonies that switches their cat to a vegetarian diet. I'm only going to say this once, people: VEGETABLES ARE WHAT FOOD EATS.

Moral high ground my ass. Like they don't hear the screams of carrots echoing through the night, the bastards.

Hyperion: While personally I have serious doubts that humans were ever complete herbivores (canines, eyes in front of our heads = predators), I am not even going to argue that a Vegetarian cannot lead a healthy life. With plenty of alternative ways to get needed protein, I am sure this can be done. (Of course, over 5 generations or so, a Vegetarian population is not going to develop much brainpower, but that is a different story.)

And while I personally have never encountered a Vegan who did not look like Jerry Lewis was about to put him on a Telethon, I suppose it is theoretically possible to be healthy that way too.

Here is my problem: you want to be a Vegetarian for personal reasons, fine. You are not hurting anyone but yourself. However, when you start preaching (and we all know people like this), you cross the line, and open yourself up to appropriate ridicule.

What is especially galling are these so-called moralists. Let me ask you this: how many billions of tiny rodents, rabbits, birds, etc., are killed in wheat threshers every year? Should not Vegans do away with eating wheat?


I think there is an intelligent debate to be had over medical testing on animals, animal cruelty in general, and even hunting for sport vs. hunting for food. But what I will not abide is one more ill-informed so-unhealthy-their-skin-is-translucent Vegan preaching at me.

Actually, that goes for all self-righteous people who think they are morally superior because they "care" more, and refuse to think things through.

Death to all idiots!

Tracy Lynn: I don't mind vegetarians. I have some of the least offensive kind in my family, and they are totally ok.

But vegans...I'm sorry, I just don't trust people who don't eat cheese. It's just wrong. I mean, how can you live a life without dairy products? It's unnatural, and I think it may very well make the Baby Jesus weep.

Freaks. And not in a good way.

Hyperion: And Baby Jebus ain't too happy, either.

By the way: this is the time in the column where I am supposed to remind Tracy Lynn of our large Hindu readership ("800 million or so), but that is a totally different thing. Anyone religiously permitted to eat cheese and does not?

Like I said before: "Death to all idiots!"

Tracy Lynn: What does this have to do with our admittedly huge Hindu readership? They only venerate cows, and abstain from beef. They still consume dairy products, like all sensible, right thinking people.

And eugenics is like communism. Attractive in theory, impossible in practice.

Hyperion: While you may know "actual" Hindus, you clearly do not know your Simpsons. Remember the episode where Lisa goes Veggie? She wonders why people can be happy on fruits and veggies, grains and cheese, and Apu chastises her. QED.

As for Eugenics, I am not calling for selective breeding (at least not in this question). I am simply calling for the slaughter of anyone who has made it to say, 25, and is still such a total idiot that they do not deserve to live.

(And by the way: this is not a knock at people born without mental firepower. If you are doing the best with what Vishnu gave you, rock on. I am talkin' 'bout those oxygen stealers who could be normal, but refuse to think--EVER!--and ruin it for the rest of us.)

Tracy Lynn: I hope you realize that when you reference the Simpsons as if they were some sort of valid historical text, you seem like an Asshat.

Hyperion: Up your Nahasapeemapetilon

Tracy Lynn: See? ASSHAT.

That does it for now. Ask H.A.T. will be off next week, as Hyperion is choosing to perform “service” to the “community” (at least, that’s how the judge put it), while Tracy Lynn tries her hand running a brothel, but we will return soon. Get your questions in (and this means you, jerk-weeds!) to askthehat@gmail.com and remember: you have questions, Ask H.A.T has answers. (You have money, Ask H.A.T. needs to eat, hint hint.)


Sea Hag said...

You know, I was in the grocery store a few days ago with one of my savory boy toys, and I said to him 'I don't trust people who don't like cheese'. It's true though, anyone I've ever met who wasn't a cheese fan was pretty touched in the head.

Also, while several Hindus practice total vegetarianism, a lot of them still consume dairy (think of all those things they make with yogurt) because it's a cheap way to get protein.

Anonymous said...

I want to see more of Brittany Bratt