Christmas Gangs

Now that I've re-run all my Christmas columns, it's time for current stuff. (I actually missed one, but like Ross trying to name the 50 states before eating Turkey, I'm comfortable with "Nevada" twice.)

Unfortunately, via a long story that if fully told would sadly probably be funnier than the actual column, I have no Christmas column for you today.

Actually, I do have one Christmas column, but it's over on Tracy Lynn's site.

I was asked weeks ago by Tracy Lynn to do a guest post for her "12 Guests of Christmas." I was totally honored to be included in such auspicious company. (If I'd known who else was asked I might not have been quie so set up about it, but what the hell, right? (Just Kidding. They are all stellar writers and I'm grateful to be included. (Also, Tracy Lynn hates Hates HATES my parentheticals, so I'm doing quite a few just to bug her.)))

As most of you know, I have been on the road, on the run, in hiding for literally months now, and getting this Christmas column to Tracy Lynn has been a headache beyond imagining. She was kind enough to give me a few more days to get it in, but something always got in the way.

Finally, I received an email from her that said I needed to have it to her by Thursday. Okay. Whatever I had to do, that was it. Actually, I didn't receive the email myself, but it was sent to Kaida, who read it to me.

Then last night I'm talking to Kaida about how difficult Thursday was going to be, getting the guest post to Tracy, and Kaida says, "Oh, it's not supposed to be to her by Thursday, it's supposed to be to her FOR Thursday."

I could have sworn she told me otherwise, but obviously that was not the time to quibble. I was devastated. Here Tracy Lynn is nice enough to include me in her little Christmas cult, and I can't even deliver the goods. Yes, there were circumstances, but there are no excuses.

So I felt terrible, but then a calm came over me. Once you eliminate failure as an option, that leaves you only one choice, and you do whatever the hell you have to do to achieve that goal. If that meant breaking into someone's home to use their computer, that's what I'd do.

I started calling Kinkos around this town: all closed. (Honestly: what's up with that?) Next I got the bright idea to call hotels. Many have internet access in the lobby, and maybe they'd buy my sob story.

I called 33 hotels before I finally found someone sympathetic. "McFrosty" (can't use her real name, in case it gets back to her boss) is an aspiring writer too, and was very sympathetic.

Of course, then I go and get lost--again. (I still haven't told you the story about the first time, the other night when I went to Denny's, but that will have to wait until next week.) I ended up in a part of town I shouldn't have been, and stopped to ask these gentlemen on the street for directions.

Of course, what I should have perhaps contemplated was that a group of youths on the street at 2 in the morning are generally up to little good, and what I actually walked into was a gang initiation. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now, but anyone who has known me for any length of time is like, "Yup. That's Hypie."

So as I'm walking up to this gang I realize my perilous position. I wasn't sure I could take all of them, but I thought I could at least do damage, should it come to that, but hopefully it wouldn't. I closed the distance between us, because the one set of odds you don't overcome is someone packing, and it's a lot harder to shoot someone standing next to you than ten feet away.

Of course, you can imagine what 10 black teenagers might have thought about a humongous white man closing in on them in a rapid manner, but before things could get out of hand I was like, "Yo, yo yo, it's aiight. I'm in the gang too. I'm from the Canadian chapter and I'm here to be a witness for y'alls' initiation."

The looks they gave me reminded me of my favorite Tracy Lynn quote ("I do not speak your moon language"), but I get that a lot, and I was not phased. After some more talking they all relaxed and saw the humor of the situation, and once they ascertained I wasn't 5-0, they gave me directions to the hotel.

Where I sent Tracy Lynn the post. By the time you read this in the morning she will have it up. So head on over to Kaply Inc. and read my very scholarly critique of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." It's a dandy. (And for Evon's sake, have enough manners to leave a comment telling Tracy where you came from, and how much you like her site. And try not to use any (), as she really does go crazy.)

(Oh, and before I forget: the first thing I do is pull up that email, and I was right: I did have the extra day. I called Kaida up this morning and she answers the phone, a little fearful. I said, "Is there anything I can do for you? Maybe call every Kinkos in town and then 33 hotels, and then drive around half the night and get lost almost join a gang? Oh wait...I ALREADY DID THAT!" I'm not really mad at her, but I had to give her a hard time. She really has been great, though, posting for me when I couldn't get to the computer. Three cheers for Kaida.)

As if that were not enough, there will be more Christmas tidings. On Christmas Eve there will be a very Special Holiday Ask Hat, and on Christmas Day (right after Midnight), I will unveil a Christmas story for you to curl up with. (Note: this Christmas story is not Not NOT for the kids, if you know what I mean. And if you don't, better skip it.)

That's all I gotz for now. See you this weekend, and have a good one.


Biff Spiffy said...

Sweet. The spoils go to those who persevere... even if they do wander around and get lost a lot. They don't have Starbucks where you are?!?

I love your stuff, I'd like to join your gang. Where do I apply?

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, I only hate it when you use them to give the reader emotional cues. Stop being so controlling, you bastard.

The Christmas post was wicked good, BTW.

tiff said...

Such slavish devotion - does TL know that power the she holds over you?

Oh, did I say that out loud? Goshdarnit.