Much has happened this week. I was accused (complimented?) of being a lesbian, warned against sending out naked videos of myself talking about Ebay, and of course Lentils.

Plus, my dad made a video to send out to churches. Some of you know my dad is a pastor looking for a flock, and this video gives you a feel of his style of preaching and whatnot. I was going to post it here, but I realize that comes dangerously close to posting pictures of my three year old kid and telling you how cute he is. (I don't have a three year old kid, being a naked Ebay espousing lesbian, but you get the idea.) But I'm just so proud of my dad that I am posting it over on Soap Box if you're interested.

Dad gets Jiggy with it.

This weekend promises to be even crazier. The plan to do the Oscar Movie marathon is on. I'll be driving up to Atlanta earrrrrrly Saturday morning to watch all five Best Picture Nominees with Koz back to back to back to back to back. I will be writing a mega-column about the entire day, as well as reviews of the three movies I have not yet seen.

THEN, I will race back Sunday to watch the Oscars (including the Red Carpet), and write a running diary about my thoughts on the night. The way it will work is that any time I think of something funny/touching/gross/whatever, I will type it up and note the time. (This means that if any of you think of something that deserves to go in, you need to call me at the motel right then so I can include it.) All of that should post Monday, making it the longest column in history, which means Koz better start complaining now.

Saturday is also my mom's birthday, and I totally wanted to write her a birthday column, but she nixed the idea firmly. Apparently she is afraid of what I might say. Frankly with this kind of mistrust I don't even want to write her a birthday column any more (sniff sniff), but I guess she can't stop me from linking a column I wrote for her birthday six years ago, when she turned, uhhhh, 35. Anyway, feel free to take a look:

Go Mom: it's your birthday.

I leave you today with a list of things I wish Oscar would change. Every year I make a big deal about the Oscars, but I usually end up thinking the show itself is majorly boring. They could stand to make some changes. Here are some ideas:


#10 Best Dressed should be a category - The TV audience should totally get to vote on the best dressed over the Internet, and they announce the impromptu Oscar toward the end. Think of the suspense that would bring. Plus, this would make celebrirites put on their A Game like the ones above,and help ensure that we don't have any unfortunate Swiss Miss episodes.

#9 Fewer Montages - Hey, everyone loves a good montage, but do we really need a montage to explain Sound Editing? Borrrrring. That clip at the beginning usually sucks too. Way to self-congratulatory of Hollywood. One montage my family does love is the Dead dudes. My dad and I have a tradition that every time there's an actor we liked we do the two fist pumps to the chest and the peace sign out. (My mom tries too, but she can't quite figure out what we're going, and often does the wrong motions, the wrong arm even.)

#8 Cap Acceptance Speech Times, but allow their thankyous to be up on the screen behind them - Wouldn't this be a cool feature? That way instead of forgetting someone (Hilary Swank: we're looking in your direction), they could pre-write out all the thank yous and it's up on the big screen behind them in black and white. This way we can also cap the acceptance speeches: one minute for minor awards, ninety seconds for actors, writers and directors, two minutes for Best Picture. (BTW, reader Annivere writes in to predict that in Al Gore's acceptance speech--totally not the best documentary of the group, but a foregone conclusion as winner--Al will announce his canidacy for Prez in '08. She gets credit if it happens.)

#7 Require Voters to watch each movie nominated for any category they vote in - I am tired of just name recognition or PC buzz winning. Watch the movies, people!

#6 Make whomever sang the song in the movie sing it in the Oscars, or don't play the song - Better yet, play the clip from the movie itself, which would save time. This leads me to my next one:

#5 Make all Oscar Songs actually be in the movie, and important to the plot, not tacked on the credits - Remember this song from THE BREAKFAST CLUB? I bet you called it "The Breakfast Club Song" for years. I mean, as much as I loved RETURN OF THE KING, the end credits song didn't really have anything to do with it, you know?

#4 An Award for Best Chemistry - How can they not have this? Some might never win an Oscar themselves, but their chemistry is simply magical.

#3 Oscar for Best Cast - This is another no-brainer. Some movies have too big a cast for any one person to stand out, but the ensemble is so good their really should be recognition.

#2 Oscar for Best Line of Dialogue - We remember movies because of their moments, and often this means a great line. Tell me that "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" or "You had me at hello" or "Forget it Jake; it's Chinatown" don't have resonance years or even decades after. I think this would be a sweet category, and another one where maybe fans could help pic the winner. "That's what I love about them high school girls...."

and the number one change I'd like to see at the Academy Awards telecast:

#1 Oscar for Best Scene - Sometimes a scene is so powerful, so shattering, maybe even so awesomely funny that it stays with us forever. Think of the opening scene in THE LION KING. Think of the O.D./adrenaline scene in PULP FICTION. Think about when Joe starts describing why he misses his wife in SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE. Think of the fire in BAMBI, the restaurant scene in THE GODFATHER, DeNiro in the mirror in TAXI DRIVER. These are memorable scenes that will never leave us, and they should be rewarded.

That's it for now. If you'd still like to contribute to the Hyperion Oscar fund paypal operators are standing by. (I have enough money to go, but I could always use some "pay off the local fuzz because of dead hookers" money.) Thanks to everyone who helped and see you Monday for the mother of all columns.


Anonymous said...

So, Best Chemistry = Tango & Cash? Is that the best you could do? I'm still laughing.

Flawed And Disorderly said...

You lesbian, you! ;-D

Thank you for not being into naked videos and ebay.

Anonymous said...

This has to be the single worst blog I have ever stumbled across. I'm still trying to "get it", like I've tried to "get" The OC or Friday Night Lights.