Let the Madness Begin

An absolute slew of things to get to today, little things that have been piling up, contests, projects, lists, surprises, nudity, etc. This means the Movie Marathon will hold off finishing until tomorrow. If you want to read the first three chapters, they are over in the Archives, down on the left, in a new, easy to use format. Go ahead: check it out.


First up, the annual "Hyperion's Hellajewel Too Cool For School Basketball Pool" starts this week. Many of you have entered in the past, some of you have even won. I wasn't going to do it this year, because for the last two years no one has given me any competition, but I figured, why not?

My pool differs from most NCAA pools in that I have weird scoring, bonuses, and allow repicks every two rounds. Good times.

Anyway, you can find the complete rules of my pool (including scoring)
by clicking here. I think most of the rules still apply, and I added a few updates. Make sure you check over those rules.

The short of it is, though,
you find the bracket by clicking here, and you email it to me at a specially created email address: hyperionncaapool@gmail.com This is not the regular email address, so pay attention!

First prize (assuming anyone can beat me, which I'm not too worried about), is not only a full column on WHATEVER the winner chooses, but one of the three main characters in my upcoming year-long story project. You know you want to enter, so do it!


Speaking of projects, Sea Hag and I were setting up the next Picture-Story, where you take a picture and try to write a story about it. I'm not saying I came up with the idea (those who have copied it from me are welcome to do so, as I'm sure I got the idea from somewhere else), but there is something so je ne sais quois about the stories we have come up with. Monkey Barn did its best theme ever based on a painting, and and who can forget last year's multi-perspective Rashomon homage?

Anyway, as Sea Hag and I were mulling over choices I came across a painting so unbelievably rich with possibilities that I just had to throw open the opportunities to others. She gallantly agreed, and so here it is: this picture idea is so good I'm not even going to tell you what it is. It's that good, and I don't want the idea stolen before we can get it going. But you are welcome to write along with us. (Probably won't be ready to publish until the end of March or later, so you have time.) If you're up for a challenge, email me and put "picture-story" in the subject line. Once I've sworn you to secrecy I'll let you in.


In the "Friends of Hyperion" section today, we feature first Biff Spiffy. The Spiffster was astute enough to heed my call and sent me notepad documents full of his website. Because of my inaccessibility to computers I have had a devil of a time keeping current with my homies, but with a 3.5 inch disk am able to transfer notepad docs to my laptop in the trailer and read to my heart's content. My favorite post of what he sent me is his List of Six Things About Himself, where, among other things, we learn that Biff loves Q-Tips as much as I hate them. (Send me your website material in notepad documents, and I'll love you on too!)

The second shoutout this day goes to 'Chelle, for a term she came up with (which was later stolen by haters). 'Chelle had a friend go the Bahamas for two weeks, coming back ultra-tan. After two days this friend (still mighty dark) started freaking that she was pale as a ghost and hightailed it to a tanning place, prompting 'Chelle to label her "Tanorexic."

Isn't that sweet? I thought so too. Use the term as needed, making sure to give her credit.


You might not have stopped by this weekend. If so, you missed what might have been my greatest movie review of all time, for 300. You can catch it over on Movie-Hype, but be warned: this review is not for kids. (By the way, my review must have caught on. Check out Box Office Guru, to see how 300 smashed all sorts of records.)


Stemming from a conversation I had this weekend (which I will NOT be explaining the origins of), I changed my motto over on Hyperion-X. It's on the left, below the creepy picture. While you're there, check out the archives. Chances are you haven't been there in awhile, and don't you need a slap in the face to wake up this morning?


This week's terms you can add to your conversational repertoire, thus impressing the ladies or the fellas, gaining friends, getting that promotion; having a better life. Both terms come from our friends at Home Box Office.

This first is a swear word I heard on "Rome" the other night: Cack. Apparently it means "shit," although one is not sure if this is Latin or not. Anyway, it sounds dirty, but since not identified as such, you can use "Cack" with impunity around the home or office.

The next term is a synonym for "cool," and Lord knows we need more of them. Watching "Carnivale" last night I came upon this gem. One girl was asking another if everything was cool, and she said, "Is everything Hucky Duck?"

How cool, er, how Hucky Duck is that?

I expect to see these terms on your blogs, emails; whatever. Go out and spread the word.


I'm running out of time here at the hotel, so I'll end with a quick Top Five List of things that have been bugging me lately. (You can find many more great lists over at Rank Everything. For realz.)


#5 Ghosts in Movies/TV - You know how when there's a ghost on TV or the movies they always go through walls, furniture, and even people? It's because they are incorporeal; I get it. But answer me this: why don't they fall through the floor? If they are so immaterial, how is it these so-called "ghosts" stand on whatever surface presented to them?

#4 Pulled out of the Car - You always see it, a cop (or criminal), stopping a citizen and commandeering his car. But here's the thing: even if you stopped when flagged down, you'd simply put on the brakes, not put the car in park. Therefore, when the person gets out (or more often: is pulled out), the car should keep rolling, causing an accident, or at lest giving the hero/villain something more to worry about. But it never does. I hate it that movies can't take the time to get this small detail right.

#3 Calling all remotes - How have they not done this yet? Every remote should "beep" when called by the phone, so you can find it. They don't even need their own phone number. Remotes could be programmed to respond to a dial of "999" or something such, and only for 20 feet away from the phone in question. Honestly, how much hell is it when you're all comfortable and can't find the remote control? And we can't fix this?

#2 Online Gift Cards - Gift Cards are hellasweet, but sometimes you don't have the time to get to the store, or there isn't one near you, etc. Online Gift Cards would be so sweet. You log in with a code or something, and the gift purchaser already pays the shipping for whatever amount you've been given. Then, it's up to you to browse to your heart's content and pick out exactly what you want. This is such a great idea I firmly believe it will be done soon. I just wish I could cash in on it.

And the number one thing bugging me lately:

#1 Not Flushed Away - How $&^%*ing hard is it to flush a public restroom toilet? I get peeved when people don't return the shopping cart to the store, or at least one of the repositories in the parking lot. But you can at least understand that logic: walking 25-30 feet is hard!

But how hard is it to reach your foot up and press a lever? Would you leave a toilet unflushed at home? Why is it that I see this all the time? What possible justification is there for leaving the next person your refuse? If you're one of these people, I offer you the chance to explain in the comments. Then I offer you the chance to run, as I will hunt you down and beat you to death with a stick.

That's all I can do today. I'll try to get to my other exciting news tomorrow. See you then.

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