The Hyperionic Code (Section I)

Today's Motto is a paraphrase from A Prarie Home Companion line I heard on the radio yesterday:

"Insulting a Southern Woman's virtue is a good way to get beat up by her husband......and her boyfriend....and her"

As I've been working on Section III, I thought I better re-acquaint you with Sections I and II....


the Hyperion Chronicles
“Not affiliated with 1st and 2nd Chronicles”

#92 The Hyperionic Code (Section I)

People often stop me on the street and say, “Hyperion, Hyperion, will it be I that betrays you?” Wait; that’s the wrong story. Let’s start again.

People often stop me on the street and say, “Hyperion, you are so wise. Please expound upon your laws for life.” Well, that’s not an exact quote, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. The time has come for me to set down in writing (or keyboarding) some of my thoughts on how the Universe works, or in some cases, should work. I call this The Hyperionic Code.

Now, if I were to give you the entire Code in one sitting, not only would your head explode from too much knowledge, but also my short attention-spanned readers (i.e., haters and people over 40) would complain about my long columns. So, in an effort to preserve unexploded heads and support ADD, I am only giving you, the Hyperion Nation, a few of these at a time. Enjoy your view through the looking glass.


No Apologies
You should never apologize for how you feel, for telling the truth, or for not knowing something, unless you should have known it. If you’re an accountant, you better know what Accounts Receivable means, but not necessarily what year the Magna Carta was signed. Also, just because you can tell the truth, doesn’t mean you should always just volunteer it. You might want to adopt a policy of standing mute or changing the subject. Most importantly, never regret your feelings. Those are yours, no matter how you came by them. It doesn’t mean you get to act on them, but you get to have them.

The Hobgoblin of little minds
If you want to have any credibility when you take a position, you must be consistent when you are wrong. At the first hint that you even might be wrong about anything, own up to it immediately. This may not seem attractive, especially when arguing with some belligerent waste-of-space who will use your admission to prove his case, but it will give you a track record as an honest person, and make your arguments more appealing when you stick to them, because people will know you’re well-reasoned and fair. And obviously, interrogations don’t count, whether by police or spouses of the female persuasion.

What goes around…
If someone will lie for you, they will lie to you. Parse it all you want, but it’s a fact, and you’d better consider that before you ask someone to lie to customers, co-workers, family, or whomever.

The Law of Unteachables
You cannot teach someone about love, loss, hurt, desire, betrayal, sorrow or joy. You can tell them, but if they do not learn it for themselves it will never sink in. And sadly, many people require more than one lesson to learn this. And, like Charles Foster Kane, they often get more than one lesson.

Never mind the what always ask about the why
So often we only look to the effect, and forget all about the cause. When someone does something, it’s not as important to figure out what they are doing as why. If you can figure out why something is happening, you can figure out how to deal with it, and predict future events or behavior.

Law of Bill S.
Shakespeare once wrote, “Many a truth is often said in jest.” Truer words were never written, or spoken. No one says something he doesn’t half mean. He may not completely mean it, but the comment is rooted in his thinking somewhere, or he wouldn’t have thought it. And don’t give me this “I’m kidding” routine. That’s the defense of the guilty. Remember that the next time a barbed comment comes your way.

Law of Mutual Idiocy
This law prevents men and women from taking over the world as a gender. Men would rule the world, but: we’re suckers for a pretty face or for a nice body. A guy will fall in love with the fry-girl at Burger King if she has a D-Cup. Men also romanticize relationships far more than people know. We fall in love easily, and get crushed when it doesn’t work out. A girl we like can make us do almost any stupid thing on earth, from tipping too much, to stealing a car.

Women would rule the world, but: you’re suckers for any gesture, no matter how corny. A guy who will make a fool over himself for you goes a long way. Women are far more practical than men, most of the time, but can fall to pieces just as well. A guy writes a poem or says he loves you, and many of you are done. Worst of all, sometimes women will stay with guys they know they should leave, hoping they can “fix” them. I could go on and on for both sexes, but the bottom line is this: it is men and women’s mutual idiocy that keeps one gender from taking over the planet.

The BLKF Theory
Everything on this Earth, from books to ballet, from food to families, from films to fashion, from sports to sex, and from carpooling to Congress can be improved by one (or more) of the following three things: Bacon, Lesbians, or Kung Fu. Think about it, test it, try it all you like, this law is branded into the D.N.A. of the earth itself.

It is what it is what it is
We are talking about people who are never satisfied with anything. We are not talking about people looking for causes; we are just talking about people who can’t accept life the way they find it. The biggest lesson for today, in fact the motto for the entire year reads as follows: IT IS WHAT IT IS. What this means is that sometimes things are a certain way, and wishing won’t make it different. So the movie wasn’t a classic. Maybe it wasn’t trying to be. It is what it is, and judge it on those merits. So your youngest child doesn’t play sports, and has no interest in your obsession with making him a basketball star. Getting mad won’t make it different. He is what he is, deal with it, and quit wishing for someone else. So your husband drives you crazy. Suck it up. He is what he is. You can live with him or you can’t, but you’re not going to change him, so quit living in a fantasy world. So you’re a powerful nation, and the rest of the world hates you. The world is what it is. It’s made up of people, and people like being number one, and rarely look kindly on someone else who shows them up. They are not going to change, so quit trying to make them. Do what you have to, and don’t look back.

So much of our misery in this life comes from our inability to accept what is. We look for things as we would like them to be, and are so often disappointed. Accept things for what they are. Some are bad. Some are good. There is much in this life you are responsible for—your words, your actions, your reactions—and you should be a stand-up guy or gal about them. However, much, actually most, of the things that happen in this world you did not cause, and do not, will not, and cannot control. Therefore, worrying about them is worse than useless: it’s counterproductive. For that 90% of stuff (95% for people in college), adopt an “Oh Well!” attitude. It’s not your problem. Worry about what is. And accept what is there. It is what it is.

This seems like a good point to stop for today. I hope you have all learned and enjoyed. Now go forth and tell others the good news.
Peace be upon you,

February 07, 2003

Brainstorming help from Koz

Motto Explanation
1st and 2nd Chronicles are two books in the Old Testament, also known as the “Jiggy-Fresh” Testament


Biff Spiffy said...

Phewf, just before my head assploded too. You're the master of timing.

Jiggy-Fresh? I am unfamiliar with that term. I must be too white.

I'm having trouble improving sex with bacon. The grease spatter stings. Any advice?

I'm down with the Code, other than the bacon so far.

lost goddess said...

The slap in the face we all need thanks hypey just in time!

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I loved that story from Lake Wobegon! Peach cobbler anyone? :D

Sparky Duck said...

but its in my nature to apologize for how I feel, at least sometimes. I need everyone to like me