What's the story, Morning Glory?

I bet you awakened this morning thinking that today was going to be a great day for some reason (even if you weren't sure why). You were right! Schrodinger's Kitten has declared today International Chuck Norris Day. (Go find out what Chuck can do and then tonight, watching an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger on the Hallmark Channel.)

By the way, I overheard something on Walker, Texas Ranger the other day. (I was only watching to be with my dad: I swear!) Sidekick dude said there were only 99 Texas Rangers, which makes it quite the honor. I just looked this up and the numbers appear to back him up. As of 2005 there were still only 118 of them. That's a pretty select group of men, about the same number that Schrodinger...

Programming Note: we are trying out an experiment of only one post on the main page at a time, so if you haven't been here in awhile you'll find the Archives for previous posts at the top left. Enjoy.

Our main course today is HyperionX. If for some reason you don't know about Hyperion X: you've been warned.


Glorious Wood of the Morning


Why Life Must be so “Hard On” Us


Rising to the Occasion, as only Hyperion Can

Friends, I come to you today with a heavy heart (as well as a few other heavy things). For those uninitiated (and here I speak of ladies, and particularly sheltered ones at that), “Morning Wood” is generally referred to as the erection a man often has upon waking from slumber.

I confess to you my own philological fastidiousness, but I simply cannot accept wholesale the term “Morning Wood.” (By the way, if you are unable to understand the term “philological fastidiousness,” or at least look the words up, odds are 3 to 1 that you are too Cranially Challenged to understand this column. Run back from whence you came and return to your silent vigil of prayer and fasting for Paris Hilton’s release from incarceration, soon come the day.)

Morning Wood (which is technically called “Nocturnal Penile Tumescence,” and wouldn’t that make a great band name), occurs when a male awakens from slumber with an erection, either from a sexy dream (like that one with Chinese Twins and a delightful Honey-Ginger sauce), or simply the periodic erections healthy males have throughout their sleep cycle.

That’s fine, as far as it goes. My problem (at least, this one), is that there exists a third reason why a man might awaken with a purple-headed monster straining at the leash.

Another “fact” about us, ladies: We often awaken with a Powerful need to urinate. As I have
previously written, I will often have to pee so badly that my dreams will involve peeing in some way, and if I don’t get the hint they continue to do so in increasingly urgent fashion. Very often this means that we actually wake up with what amounts to a very hard erection.

In fact, this is the first “hard on” boys have, often years before they are able to sustain sexual function, and for a long time they know of erections only as “that thing that makes it hard to pee.”

You can see my etymological distress.

I simply refuse to call erections due to a pressing bladder “Morning Wood.” But if not that term, what replacement? For years—due I guess to a lack of knowledge and lack of creativity on my part—I have been calling it a “Piss Hard On,” or P.H.O. This term has the advantage of being instantly understood by every male over the age of 10. However, while accurate and to the point I find the term to be…I don’t know...somehow inelegant, if you will. Perhaps we do not often associate matters of the groin with lofty terminology, but dammit, we should!

I’ve been thinking on this subject for years now, talking with whomever I could on the subject, hoping to find the answer. I was made aware that the Brits use the term “Piss Proud,” both for a P.H.O. and as slang for when someone is falsely proud. While the idiomatic usage is quite funny (and I plan to use it from now on), “Piss Proud” is even more vulgar than P.H.O., so the search continues.

(Neither here nor there, but I also discovered that instead of Morning Wood the Brits says “Morning Glory,” which might make you take a whole new look at the band Oasis.)

Finally, after much soul-searching and linguistic gnashing of teeth, I spoke to my brother Achmed on the subject.

After a few semantical volleys back and forth Achmed declared he had the answer. “I propose,” he said dramatically, “that we create a new term, or more correctly, a new meaning for another term. From now on we will derivate terminology when it comes to morning erections. Morning Wood will stay as it is, but your usage will henceforth be known as GOLDENROD.”

Ah, Achmed. He has a good head….on his shoulders.

I have a part 2 to this discussion, but perhaps I’ve made you as uncomfortable as you can get for now. We shall take this up again soon but for now, I leave you with this thought:

“Whether your bit be engorged with blood
From Lustful Desire or an upcoming flood
The information is telling your cock:
Do it now! Or be piss out o’ luck.”

June 5, 2007

[If you enjoyed this column you can find others like it by travelling to Hyperion-X. Bring a flashlight and some Vaseline.]


Biff Spiffy said...

Achmed FTW. Goldenrod is brilliant.

By the way, do you know the difference between light and hard?

/You can sleep with a light on.

Hyperion said...

That's the worst erection joke I've ever read. (Word on the street is that yours is the worst erection joke every seen.)

Ba Dum BUM

Sparky Duck said...

Biff is right, Goldenrod is brillant, now if someone could tell me how to aim with a Goldenrod I would be set.

Hyperion said...

I feel your pain. Pissing with Goldenrod is the worst. Best advice I can give you: piss in the shower.