With Apologies to Miss Rachel Shuster (Sorta)

Some Housekeeping items:

This week has been so full I have neglected to bring you the International Days. Monday was International Pickle Hurling Day, which actually would have gone quite well with the Paris Hilton story. Tuesday was International News Radio Day (the show, not the actual news), and today we are privileged to look back and celebrate International Reminisce Your First Joy Day.

Starting today, I will be responding to each and every comment here on the home page. This means if you leave a comment make sure and check back to see what witty rejoinder I left. I don't promise not to mock. I don't even promise to try. But I'll try to try.

I said Monday that today we'd decide the best Paris Hilton line (when she awakened from her coma with OJ Simpson's baby, and if you're confused please go read the story now. I said NOW!) Before I reveal the finalists I have to address one thing. In the caption under Paris's picture I wrote "Bow down before the one you serve…you're going to get what you deserve." Several people thought this was actually my line. Would that I be that clever. That's actually a line from "Head Like a Hole," the first hit from Nine Inch Nails' debut album Pretty Hate Machine, and shame on you for not knowing that. (By the way, this is neither here nor there, but how cool would it have been to see Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin do Head Like a Hole? Pretty damn cool, huh? I'm not up on the jazz scene, but if that Michael Bubble-head or whatever his name is decent maybe he could try.)

Here are the four best entries in the "What Would Paris Say?" contest:


From Dragon: "I better be getting paid for riding this donkey. This is so not hot. Where's my Benz?"

From Bohemian in Korea: "Elizabeth said that Joseph said that Gabrial said "at least she's not boring!"

From Sea Hag: "Check out my new Paris: Jailicious! line at Target, featuring day-glo orange hot pants, horizontal black-and-white striped purses, and blinged-out shivs!"

From Sparky Duck: "rose's lime juice" in an homage to Citizen Kane, who she thinks is a WWE qrestler and the fact that she no longer wants to stay sober."


Wow. Those all suck something awful, huh? If I had my way I'd pick none of them, or supply my own line, but that little tidbit is reserved for people who are signed up for email notification of this column, so I guess if pressed I'll declare Bohemian in Korea the winner. Congratulations, Bohemian! You think the most like a brain-dead whore!

Speaking of which, all married men will want to check out Monkey Barn this morning. If your wife is pregnant, this could save her life!



Finally, I find myself needing to follow one of Hyperion's Fundamental Rules: "Always admit when you're wrong." Yesterday I wrote about USA Today's Top 25 Sports Moments of the past 25 years. While agreeing with some of the selections (and maybe I didn't do a good enough job praising what was right), I roundly criticized many glaring omissions, as well as the placement of other stories, such as calling the Boston Red Sox's 2004 World Series win #1.

However, it was the inclusion of #14, the US Women's team winning the World Cup, that really got my ire. I blasted this with all I had, and particularly picked on the author, Miss Rachel Shuster, and made general aspersions about Women and Sports. Well, one of you (and when I find out who there will be a paddlin'!) informed Miss Shuster about my tirade, causing her to come read it herself and comment. This is what she said:

Hi. Thanks for devoting so much space to our Top 25 Sports Stories list.

In hindsight, we should have put that this list WAS THE RESULT OF VOTING BY THE USA TODAY SPORTS NEWSROOM.

I am a former sportswriter and sports columnist. My expertise in sports reporting was used to write up the items.

I disagree and voted differently about many of the items. But I did not let that impact how I wrote up the list AS VOTED BY USA TODAY.

Again, thanks for devoting all the space.

Don't you just hate it when much of your righteous anger is stolen? I guess I should have seen it coming. Even USA Today wouldn't just assign one person to make an entire list. I went back and reread the blurbs for each item, and Miss Shuster does a credible job, I guess, but even then, couldn't she have disassociated herself from the World Cup selection. Here is what she wrote:

14 U.S. women win '99 World Cup

Before 90,185 at the Rose Bowl, the largest crowd to witness a women's sporting event, Brandi Chastain beats China goalkeeper Gao Hong for a 5-4 edge in penalty kicks to break the overtime tie and give the USA the soccer title after two hours of play under a broiling sun. Chastain flings off her white uniform jersey, sparkling confetti envelops the field, U.S. players hug and dance and the Chinese graciously applaud the victors. TV ratings were 2 points higher than for the '99 NBA Finals.

By the way, I'd like to point out that the '99 Finals were the worst in NBA history. Coming off Jordan's retirement (his second, if you're scoring at home), and more importantly, that horrible strike, the finals featured a #8 seed New York Knicks team that had no business being there. It was a truly ugly 5 games to watch. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it, and for Rachel Shuster to not point that out….

Sigh. My heart's not in it. USA Today—and I've become more of a fan recently—is not exactly known for in-depth nuanced coverage, right? I guess I really do owe Miss Rachel Shuster an apology.

Sigh.


Dear Miss Shuster,

I'm sorry the USA Today Sports Editorial Staff—who clearly have been hitting the "funny brownies" at the USA Today buffet table—forced you to write up that horrible list. I'm even sorrier that you couldn't find the courage to distance yourself from the #14 pick, even if it was subliminally. Furthermore, I'm sorry I couldn't find much more about you to tell my readers. Exhaustive research was able to determine that you may or may not be an obsessed Days of Our Lives fan, and you may or may not have witnessed 129 mph serves while playing Division III Tennis in college. (And I'm not making a CLUELESS joke here at your expense, because I'm all about the chivalry.)

Please forgive me and please don't cross me off any USA Today Christmas Card lists. After all, if I sell my soul I might one day be working for them too.

(Just kidding. At this point I'd even work for the NY Times. Well, maybe not them, but I'd definitely work for you guys. Perhaps if I'd been there "Wrestlemania III" would have made the list.)


Best Friends Forever,

Hyperion

PS Be honest: you make up those pie charts on the left side of the page just to stir things up, right?

PPS My favorite part of the newspaper is the section where they print one random wacky item from each state. I always check the places I've lived (Oregon, California, Ohio, Georgia) to see if anything has happened close to where I live. Do you do that too? Anyway, tell whoever heads up that section that it's really cool.

And don't ever tell me I don't know how to do the right thing!
See you tomorrow.

2 comments:

Bohemian in Korea said...

Heh, I thought about going for an old testament quote something along the lines of "I command you on the third day after their circumcision,when they are in the most pain, Simeon and Levi take
your swords and go to the town and kill all the men while they are unable to defend themselves." but that seem too Martha Stewartish

Hyperion said...

Now, THAT, is just freaking hilarious. Almost as funny as what my quote would have been.