Ending Horror

New today at the Institute

Blournal entry - Romeo and Juliet for giant cats

Blournal entry - "Smart" by Shel Silverstein

From the Scary Halloween Attic:

Two Halloween stories from Institute favorite Ethan (Warning: do not read if you are easily frightened or powerfully uncool.)

A Teacher's Love (love means never having to say "pass the ketchup")

Neighborhood Watch (your daughter is dating this guy right now!)



Honorable Mention: Homer^3 – This really isn’t in the same class as the top ones, but I felt it deserved an HM for figuring out a way to make Homer 3-D.

#10 Easy-Bake Coven – The Salem Witch Trials give us a lot of material. I also love Homer egging his own house. My favorite quote:

Lisa: [when they are about to throw Marge over a cliff on suspicion of being a witch] Stop! Doesn't the Bible say 'Judge not lest ye be judged'?

(crowd in mutters amongst themselves)

Wiggum: The bible says a lot of things, shove her!

#9 Nightmare Cafeteria – I’d say there’s a little “Uter” in all of us. The way Mrs. Krabapple hands out detention. Milhouse falling into the blender right after Bart proclaims they’ll all be safe, prompting Bart to say, “Nevertheless, I still feel that something will come along to save the two Simpson children.” Classic. [Yeah, I know it's the wrong picture. You find that blender!]

#8 Hell Toupee – The answer to the question, “Would Homer kill for a lush head of hair?” My favorite line is right after Chief Wiggum shoots and kills the defiant fist-clenching toupee:

Wiggum: Now that's what I call a bad hair day.

[everyone but Marge laughs]

Marge: May I remind you that two people are dead and ... oh, wait, I just got it. [joins everyone else in laughing]

[Hyperion’s note: Each one of the titles is a clever pun. I just figured out this one. Look at it again. See?]

#7 King Homer – This is a very classic story, but I’d have to include it anyway for the sole reason that they get away with the most risqué line in Simpsons history:

Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier. I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper she is holding]: "Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition. Must like monkeys.
Non-smoker preferred.''

Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.

[On the dock, two of the crude and uncouth sailors ("Aarrr!'') attempt to stare each other down. Mr. Burns turns to Smithers.]

Burns: What do you think, Smithers?

Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.

Burns: We “know” what you think!

#6 Attack of the 50’ Eyesores – Homer stealing the doughnut from Lard Lad is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. (He puts panty-hose over his head.) Lard Lad has some character too. Actually, all the monsters do, especially Mr. Peanut and the Devil that Bart talks into destroying the school. My favorite line:

Marge: [arriving home in the car] Homer, just give him the donut! Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror.

Homer: Well...OK. If it'll end horror.
[Hyperion’s note: you must Must MUST use that line today when your boss orders you to do something.]

#5 The Shining – This has so many great moments I don’t even know where to begin. Homer being cool with the witch burnings and ancient Indian burial grounds, but shuddering at four John Denver Christmas Specials. Bart keeps trying to say “The Shining” but Willy makes him pronounce it “the Shinning” so they don’t get sued. Homer does the “Here’s Johnny!” line when he hacks through the door, but gets the wrong one and then goes to David Lettermen and finally the cast of 60 Minutes which freaks everyone out.

#4 Monkey’s Paw – Kang and Kodos enslave the world in their very first role, thanks to the ole monkey's paw. A little satire (and not the first time) on gun-control. Flan ders saves the world. Maggie wishes for a gold pacifier. And the single greatest quote in Halloween history:

Homer: I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?

[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]

[a turkey sandwich materializes and Homer takes it.]

Homer: Hey! Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry.....The turkey's a little dry! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created thee! [H’s note: yet another line I will be using from now until October 31.]

#3 The Devil and Homer Simpson Flanders as the Devil. Daddy’s soul doughnut. Richard Nixon on the jury even though he was still alive at the time. Homer picking at his head. And Blackbeard the pirate, when forced to sit in a high-chair: “Aaarrrr. This chair be high says I!”

#2 The Raven – First off, you have one of the two greatest voices in Hollywood narrating; James Earl Jones. You have one of the scariest stories of all time, so there’s great material. And then there’s that idiot Homer chasing the stupid Raven around. I have to say, though; even though The Raven is creepy, I love Bart’s line when Homer opens the door in the story and sees nothing.

Bart: You know what would have been scarier than nothing?

Lisa: What?

Bart: Anything!

And the number one Simpsons Halloween Story of all time is….

#1 Time and Punishment – Four words explain it all: Homer fixes the toaster. This might be the single best seven minutes The Simpsons has ever had in one stretch. Homer fixes the toaster in his basement, but somehow screws it up and goes back in time to the age of the dinosaurs. There, he recalls the advice of his father who happened to bring up this very possibility. Abe reminds him not to touch anything, as the results can have catastrophic consequences in the future. Homer accidentally stops evolution and goes back to see endless horror; including Ned ruling the universe and giant Bart and Lisa. Each time he runs back downstairs and tries again, to an even worse fate. But the best is when he comes upstairs to find well-behaved kids all dressed up, ready to take the Lexus to Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma’s funeral. Homer smiles and asks for a doughnut, to which Marge replies, “What’s a doughnut? Screaming like a man who’s lost his soul, Homer runs back downstairs, only to miss it start to rain outside…raining doughnuts! A worthy number one all the way around.

[this ranking was originally published in 2005. If you'd like to see that post and the comments it engendered, go here]

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Two years after this was originally posted and I still say you are overlooking "Dial Z for Zombies"

Otherwise, still a good list.