In the Night

I realized I had not posted a Hyperion After Dark story in awhile. And if you're an expert in "one sentence beforehand foreshadowing," you will know that today I have a Hyperion After Dark story for you!

For the uninitiated, Hyperion After Dark is the Love Child of Hyperion X and Literary Hype, and presents stories that are a little too scary, or a little too sexy (or both; a little too Skexy) for Family Faire.

In other words, if your collar is a little tight, and your bloomers tend to bunch up in rage, you will want to skip it.

For the rest of you Deviants, we reintroduce that immensely popular series, "Oh Those Summer Nights" with:



If you have been following along on Monkey Barn, you saw that we are starting a band! This got me to thinking that I have done more than a few top ten lists on band names.

For example, I did best Backup Band Names, best Pop Band Names, best Rock Band Names, and even ideas for what would be the best Harry Potter Band Names and best Obscure Simpsons Reference Band Names.

Also, at one point I shared a little of my genius with the Top 11 Band names. Those names were only what I could think of right then. This is because I are a Super Genius when it comes to Band Names. I seriously wish this could be my job. I would sit at my desk and people would call me up and describe their band: the music and the musicians, and then I would give them the perfect band name. Sigh.

Anyway, for those of you too chicken to read the After Dark story, I present:


#11 Dictator Tots (post-Wheezer) – You can almost hear the music in your head, can’t you? Jumpy, bright…you can never tell if they’re being ironic or not. Their first album would be The BLKF Theory.

#10 Gingivitis (Grunge) – This band name alone might totally bring back Grunge to the music scene.

#9 Pilate Error (Christian) –In case you weren’t up on these things, the Bible tells us that Pilate was ultimately responsible for having Jesus killed, and it’s a play on words with pilots. Get it? I know it’s lame, but have you heard Christian music or seen what they’re calling their bands lately? This will fit right in.

#8 Olive Transfer Snatch (College Radio) – I am not entirely sure what this music would sound like (Hyperion has too much self-respect to listen to college radio), but know that everyone would want to own a tee shirt.

#7 Monkey’s Punk (Punk) – This is a no brainer. You read the name, but do me a favor and say it out loud. Did you catch it? Say it again. See? Is there any punk fan on earth that wouldn’t love that?

#6 Viscosity/Thermal Breakdown (Metal) – Ever since I saw those Castrol commercials about how your engine will have bad viscosity (which leads to thermal breakdown) unless you use their motor oil, I just knew that either term would make a great band name. Can’t you see some long-haired thrashing going on with these bands?

#5 Dominion Over Everything Totally Sweet (Pop) – You just KNOW they’d all be dressing like ninjas in their first video. I can see the band being led by a chick, who would do ninja stuff on stage…and bring the freaking house down.

#4 Jedi Dwarf (Rock) – Rock wouldn’t be the only genre that could handle this name. Who wouldn’t want to be called this? Seriously: I’m thinking about legally changing my name.

#3 Alligator God/Ghost Alligator (Cyber) – I can’t decide which would be a better name, but either way, you can totally see them producing some great Moby-esque tracks at a rave. (And yes, this name is in honor of Brajj.)

#2 F***d Up Muffins (Garage Band) – Since the name’s goodness speaks for itself, a quick story on how I named it. Koz and I were planning on meeting at Phipps Plaza by the movie theatre. Since it was a big place, we were trying to narrow it down, and I couldn’t remember the name of the food court shop right next to the theatre. I said, “You know that place right next the theatre….F***d Up Muffins?” I instantly knew this would not only make a great great name for a muffin shop, but a band name as well.

#1 Kinslayer and Smidget (Folk) – Just writing those words I’m getting all excited about calling Ticket Master and getting some primo seats. (And I don’t even care about the $34 service charge!) This totally needs to be a duo, kind of Simon and Garfunkle meets Elvis, unplugged. I suppose I should tell the origin story here too. Kinslayer is a term used in my favorite book series, the Wheel of Time, about a guy who goes crazy and kills his family (hey: we’ve all been there). Smidget came about when we first moved to Georgia. I had heard about this pastor’s daughter named Leah, who was supposedly hell on wheels. Everyone kept talking about her (including my brother Achmed, whom I’m fairly sure had a major crush), and anyway, at a picnic I finally was introduced. She was like 4 feet tall! I looked at her and exclaimed, “You’re a sexy midget! I shall call you Smidget!” The name totally stuck, and to this day people call her that.

I think I’m going to go write some songs.



Sparky Duck said...

Fucked up Muffins is horrible for marketing

Hyperion said...

That is why it'd be F****d Up Muffins.

Remember, this is the counter-culture you're marketing too. They're going to love the idea that "society" doesn't approve, and it has to go "underground."