Julistmas Wish List

Over on International____Day it is International Christmas in July Day, or what I like to call Julistmas. (You NEED to go over there and see the wonderful ways to celebrate, including scantily clad hot chicks in elf hats.)

In honor of Julistmas, I thought I would make a Julistmas Wish List. Initially I started talking about all the things I care about, but right about the time I got to….

#26 I wish all the African Kids would turn white so America would care about them

I realized my Christmas list was WAAAAAAAY too dark, and not in the spirit of the day. (Not to mention the fact that it’s been a pretty dark week at the Institute, with the Death Penalty Column and the abomination of how low “Voulez Vous” got ranked; and let’s not forget the Evil Pancake Bunny.)

Anyway, everything you see below are actual things I wish, many of which frustrate the Bejeebus out of me, but in the greater scheme of things are all somewhat silly. I have grouped them by category for your convenience. Please feel free to leave a Julistmas Wish List of your Own in the Comments. You never know when Santa Yoda is watching.

What I want for Julistmas…..

(By Hypey)


I Wish people will think it through at the Cineplex and video store and strive to watch good movies. Not so much for them, but to force Hollywood to make better movies if they want to earn more. Like everyone else, Hollywood follows the money, and as long as people accept crap and patronize it, Hollywood will continue to make safe bland lowest-common-denominator films. Once they see there is more money in quality, they will move in that direction. (What? You think I review all those movies for YOUR benefit?)

I Wish movies on Cable would start airing the way they are supposed to. It’s Cable, for Light’s sake. At least after 10 p.m. And if they absolutely can’t say a certain word, show the scene and just mute it for that one second. I hate having whole sections of a scene cut out, especially when it completely changes the pacing of the movie!

I Wish Networks should allow certain beloved “characters” to be cast regularly on other shows they own. (Ideally on any show that’s a good fit, but you know that’ll never happen.) Think about how many sitcoms NBC had in the late ‘90s set in NYC. Why couldn’t Newman have delivered mail to all of them, occasionally showing up to steal scenes with one liners? We get to know TV characters almost like family, and sometimes we aren’t ready to let them go. When a show gets cancelled, I don’t see why the Networks wouldn’t try just moving that character to another show rather than start over.

I Wish the most important movies were taught in school. Film is every bit as much an art-form as paintings, sculpture and the novel, but American kids aren’t taught to value it. No kid should get out of high school without having seen at least 5 important classic American films a year. That’d be over 50 movies under their belts, and hopefully a greater appreciation of the history of America’s great contribution to Art.

I Wish all movies had to give up one trailer in order to show a cartoon, or “short.” Hell; it wouldn’t have to even be animated, and (especially at a movie for adults), it certainly wouldn’t have to be made for kids. Think about it: these “shorts” would allow a whole generation of would-be filmmakers a chance to try their story-telling. It would also allow the studios to “audition” new talent on the cheap. I say: anyone who can’t make a five minute short shouldn’t be able to direct a movie, and the studios could even demand product tie-ins to help the bottom line. Patrons would get there early to not miss the short, which would allow more people to see the Studio’s previews. Everybody wins, right?


I Wish the Big Conferences would put the country first and figure out how to give major college football a playoff.

In the meantime, I Wish the NCAA would make a rule that says no team gets into a Bowl game if they play more than half their schedule at home. Big teams almost never play more than one non-conference game on the road, which screws over smaller schools, giving them a much lesser chance of winning. Forcing teams to play half their games on the road would fix that over night.

I Wish every time an impoverished country won a Gold Medal in the Olympics all the competitors’ countries had to give a certain amount in direct foreign aid for food and medicine. Then I would care about the Olympics, and the games would truly matter.


I Wish Corn Pops came in different flavors. No one else has ever duplicated that great crunchy/chewy matrix, and while I love the yellow stuff, it’d bee sweet to see chocolate or fruit flavors as well.

I Wish beef jerky was on the menu at sports bars and cafes.

I Wish I had a vessel big enough to continue my experiments in Graitch.

I Wish I had all of the foods listed above RIGHT NOW.


I Wish I had a giant matte black (with shiny black stripes) Tiger (or Liger) who was my pet and traveling companion. That would be sweet.

I Wish I could remember how to fly.

I Wish I could calories into energy just by force of will.

I Wish there was a way to understand every language all at once.

I Wish I were a Jedi Knight.

I Wish I’d started my website when I started the column, back in 2000, so that by now I’d be rich enough to buy you all sno-cones just to say Thanks for all the Awesome.

July 25, 2008

One month ‘til Hyperion Day!

Important Announcement

At some point today, The Hyperion Institute for Advanced Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies will receive its 200,000th Visitor. It’s just a number, but it’s kind of a cool thing.

If you could keep an eye out (over on the right) while you’re here, I would appreciate it. If you happen to be the 200,000th Visitor, I would appreciate it even more if you would take a picture (by clicking the “ctl” button and the “PrtSc” button at the same time). If you were to then paste that picture in a document and send it to me, well, I would be so appreciative that I would alert you to where you can find naked pictures of Golda Maier.

Have a great weekend, and thanks for making the Hyperion Institute a part of your life.

(better start shopping)

Just think: if you advertised with me, 200,000 people would be reading what you had to say right now, right here, in this space. Instead, I am forced to tell the world’s most ironic joke. “A man walks into a bar….”

(email me for the rest)


Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Happy Julistmas!

Hyperion: calories are a unit of energy. So you want to change energy into energy by force of will? That would still be quite awesome.

And, you didn't get back to me re: my very generous offer. You really can't refuse this.

Hyperion said...

What I meant, you Semantic Harpie, is that I wish that food I consume could be converted into 100% energy for me (and whatever 12-pack of ladies was lucky enough to be around me at the time), with no waste products or added poundage to my frame. Wouldn't it be sweet if we had to eat 15,000 calories a day?