What the Canuck?

Today is Canada Day, which is the day Canadians use so they won't feel jealous over Amerca's 4th of July. (I mean, really: how can you celebrate your independence when the Queen is still on the money?)

I have this whole theory about Canada and their holidays, but since it is their, **ahem** Independence Day, we won't make fun of them. Instead, I thought we could rank their flags, their flower, and their floozies! (Sorry; I just wanted three f-l words.) How about their animals to round things out?


#13 Alberta - I got a lot of love for the Berties, but this flag is borrrrrring.

#12 (tie) Manitoba and Ontario - Jeez, guys; do you call each other before you get dressed for work, too? Suuuuure, they're independent. That isn't a Union Jack.... (I was going to give Manny slightly more credit, for the Buffalo, but they came up with their flag later, which brings them back into a tie.)

#10 Nova Scotia - Maybe if the Lion thingy were bigger....like Godric Gryffindor!

#9 Saskatchewan - This is a fairly simple flag, but there is something elegant about the austerity, n'est pas?

#8 Newfoundland and Labrador - This isn't a tie, these two provinces are just "together," if you know what I mean. I like how they use negative space to trick you into thinking it's one of those pennant flags instead.

#7 Quebec - In case anyone forgets, they're actually French, they have the fleur de lis four times! Too bad it's pretty.

#6 Prince Edward Island - On the plus side, symbolic trees and a lion. On the minus side, that lion ain't right!

#5 Yukon - Hey, you put a husky on the top of your crest, you get ranked #5 too!

#4 Northwest Territories - What is that cat thing? Is it a wolf? A Bear? A spirit guide from Dungeons and Dragons? I could spend hours thinking about it.

#3 British Columbia - I know it's a Union Jack, with a crown, no less, but look at that sun!!!!!

#2 New Brunswick - Okay, this time the long-ass lion looks dangerous rather than pervy, and that ship is definitely going place. (Not on the flag--it just sits there--but in my head.)

and the number one flag of Canada.....

#1 Nunavut - When it comes to flying your colors, I have one inviolable rule: "there is no flag that cannot be improved by a phallic knife." Amen and back off, or I'll cut you!

changing gears.....


#13 Mayflower (Nova Scotia) - Hey, NS, you don't get to call your flower the Mayflower unless one landed on you!

#12 White Trillium (Ontario) - On the plus side, White Trillium would make a great psychedelic band name. Wouldn't it be cool if smoking these flowers let you see through time?

#11 Pacific Dogwood (British Columbia) - Can you tell I'm so over white as a flower?

#10 Mountain Avens (Northwest Territories) - All right; this is getting ridiculous!

#9 Wild Rose (Alberta) - I know they have it on their license plate and all, but it just doesn't do much for me.

#8 Purple Violet (New Brunswick) - Another favorite that I can't get excited for. Maybe after the American list I'm normal flowered out.

#7 Prairie Crocus (Manitoba) - While pretty, I cannot fully support flowers who look like they've given up.

#6 Purple Pitcher Plant (Newfoundland and Labrador) - Talk about your giving up! Actually, when it blooms, this one forms a little pitcher that actually holds water. Bumblebee tea party! (Yet another great psychedelic band name.)

#5 Purple Saxifrage (Nunavut) - Okay, this one isn't all that pretty, but I ranked it high because of the cool name (saxifrage sounds like a naughty party), and because it grows in the most desolate places. Big ups to the survivor flowers!

#4 Fireweed (Yukon) - I freely admit this one is fairly boring, but the name! Fireweed!!!!! (I know I keep saying it, but yet another great psychedelic band name!)

#3 Western Red Lily (Saskatchewan) - Not sure why this one appeals to me so much. It just does.

#2 Lady's Slipper (Prince Edward Island) - It looks like a slipper! I never get tired of these things. I liked it so much, I put two. (Well, mostly because one also looks kinda, well, you know....)

and the number one flower is....

#1 Blue Flag Iris (Quebec) - Dude, you know I'm not a fan of the French, but look at that flower! It looks just like their fleur de lis thingy! What are the odds???? (Of course, it is entirely possible that the symbol comes from the flower, but I prefer to see miracles where I can.)

And one more gear change......


#13 Quebec Skunk - Yes, he's charming, but like the French.....

#12 Prince Edward Island Seal - If he were any cuter it would be illegal.

#11 Ontario Beaver - I think I visited a restaurant with this name just south of Toronto. Look at that little guy chomp!

#10 New Brunswick Humpback Whale - I was always going to name my first whale Willy, but now I'm thinking Brunny.

#9 Yukon Wolf - Not only could he eat you if he wanted to, he could eat your car.

[Special note: #13 - #9 are all made up because, appallingly, those provinces and territories didn't bother to get official animals. What kind of world do we live in where people don't have official animals??? It burns me up. Anyway, after exhaustive research into local environments, the animals above are what I think the provinces SHOULD have as their official animals, and they should get on that. That's why they are ranked last, even know wolves and whales are cooler than many that are to come. Hey, at least they're official. Okay, back to yakking. (Sadly, there are no yaks.)]

#8 Northwest Territories Arctic Grayling - I have nothing at all good to say about fish, so I ranked this as low as possible. It physically pained me to rank it ahead of wolves and whales. (Wolves and Whales would make a great name for a tavern....or a band!)

#7 Saskatchewan White Tailed Deer - This is a pretty little animal. I would be a whole lot more impressed if hunters took one down with just a Nunavut knife.

#6 Newfoundland and Labrador Caribou - Dude, do a Google Image Search and type in Caribou. Just look at those horns! I had a terrible time trying to decide which ones to show you. Some of them look prehistoric! (I should be making some sort of Newfoundland and Labrador joke about how close they are to each other and the use of those horns, but I can't think of one, so let's just move on.)

#5 Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever - I have no idea what duck tolling means, but look how serious this guy is. I am not making fun of such a noble creature.

#4 Alberta Big Horned Sheep - I feel very confident there would be far fewer break-ins if people had a "protected by big horned sheep" sign in their yard.

#3 Nunavut Canadian Eskimo Dog - I was sad no newfoundland dog made the list, but this is pretty close. Look at that thing You get lost in the wild, and your ass is getting found!

#2 Manitoba Bison - Now more than ever, the world needs its Bison back. They're tasty, and cows thing they run the place. Yeah, cows, well I'd like to see you take on the Mighty Bison, baby!

and the number one Canadian animal is.....

#1 British Columbia Spirit Bear - What the Ursa Major is a Spirit Bear???? Is it a polar bear? An Albino Grizzly? No, the truth is even better. They are ghost bears with mythical powers. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Click on the link and see for yourself. I told you Canada was awesome!

Canadians are so silly......


Dragon said...

Yay Canada!!!!

Sea Hag said...

Isn't the Nova Scotia flag a rip-off of the Scottish flags?

rennratt said...

Many of the flowers listed are endangered in the US.

I only know this because I PICKED three of them for a 4-H badge "back in the day" and rec'd STATE NOTICE of this fact.

They gave me the badge anyway, with a stern note that "Trillium, Lady's Slipper and Pitcher Plant should NOT HAVE BEEN PICKED". Apparently, a photo would have sufficed.