Hyperion was/is en Feugo





“I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that can happen to you.”
~Will Rogers



Part three of the initial 2000 Presidential column (With 2008 comments thrown in for good measure!)


Read Part 1
Read Part 2



Hyperion Runs for President in 2000 (Part 3)

Issue 6: GOVERNMENT PARTICIPATION


(The Athenians were wise, but if 300 has taught us anything, they were pansies)


In ancient Greece the men (they were in charge then. I am not making a political statement here) would get together and take turns running the government. I realize that the city-states of B.C. Greece are a bit different from the behemoth country we have today, but on the local level, this could work. I believe much of the corruption in politics today is because people carve out their niches of power and are loathe letting it go. The local citizenry taking turns could effectively run many of these positions, from school boards to water commissions. Hey, it CANNOT be done any worse than it is now.25 Here is my proposal. If you get ANY money from the government in some form of entitlement, every ten years you are obligated to participate in the government in some way. Someone once said, “Politics is 99% local.” Well, now it truly will be. This is an issue that needs to be expanded on further, which I will do later, but I wanted to get the idea out there now for you.


(Let your fingers do the governing)


25 The late great William F. Buckley suggested throwing all of Congress out and replacing them with 535 names randomly picked out of the phone book. Provided they could read and were not criminals, this might work. I bet normal people would take the job very seriously, and—not worrying about reelection—would just compromise and do what they could to help. It would certainly be worth trying in a small state to see how it worked. I bet New Hampshire or maybe Wyoming might volunteer.

Issue 7: DRIVING


(Ten bucks says a cell phone or Tequila had something to do with this)


There is no bigger preventable taker of life in this country than our lousy drivers. There are many reasons for this, which need to be addressed in amplified form. Here is a sample of what I will do. First, I want the test to become a driver to test more “real-world” conditions. I want all of our drivers on the road to be able to perform safely and responsibly.

AGE: drivers under twenty and over sixty cause a disproportionate amount of injuries and deaths. This is largely because of inexperience and lost reflexes. As to the younger ones, I want to adopt a plan somewhat like what California recently did, which set tough new standards for under age drivers and dramatically cut the accident rate for that segment of the population.26 I know that some teenagers need to drive to work and so forth, and I do not want to make a hardship for them. What I am talking about is the extra-curricular activities. A car is an awesome machine that needs to be respected. Many sixteen year olds do not yet have that perspective, and cruising on a Friday night for chicks with five of their closest friends with the stereo going at jet engine levels do not help. More on this later.

26 This seems like a flip-flop from my rants about age up above, but I have seen the numbers, and anyone who has driven for any length of time will attest that (especially) young drivers tend to not have a clue what they are doing. If we had a more public transit-centered society, we would likely increase the driving age significantly. We allow way too many people the privilege of driving.

As to older Americans, I do not want to cut off anyone strictly on age. It is, however, a fact that as we get older our reaction time and reflexes get slower. Therefore, I want reflexes and physical competency to be a big part of the testing to drive. I am not singling out older Americans here. I will require ALL drivers to be able to show competency for driving. The testing will be more frequent though as the driver ages. As long as you can pass, fine. When you cannot, you need to look into some other form of transportation. I am not insensitive to the feelings of loss that no longer driving can bring to someone used to being independent.27 I am more sensitive though to the thousands of victims out there who were killed because of drivers who should not have been driving anymore. We all have to make choices, and I choose to keep more people alive than placate bruised feelings.

27 I am seeing this first hand right now with someone. It is obvious to me that driving should not be in the equation any more (but not my call). Sadly, it will likely take an accident for anyone to act.


(Real men know how to blow)


DRINKING: As far as I am concerned, Drunk Driving is an issue of National Security. I have fatality numbers from a few years ago, which make me ill, and I am sure even they are dwarfed now. Folks, there is absolutely no excuse for this. First and foremost, every car in this country will have a Breathalyzer attached to the Ignition.28 Some might see this as an infringement on personal freedom. You may recall I myself have written in the past defending the rights of adults to not wear seatbelts and helmets if they choose to be that stupid. The difference is this: Helmets and seatbelts protect us, and if we want to put our own lives on the line, fine. Drunk Drivers, though, threaten everybody else on the road. I am simply not willing to put up with the risk anymore.

28 I wrote a column six months ago about breathalyzers, patiently and iron-cladly laying out my case. Sadly, I have not been able to bring myself to post it. I am very jealous of 2000 Hyperion’s passion. He did not worry about offending people: he just wrote. I need to rekindle that passion. I have at least half a dozen columns I have not posted for fear of “offending” my readers. I need to quit pandering to you idiots and start taking a sledgehammer to some of the Neolithic ideas out there that pass for logic.

After the Breathalyzers are in every vehicle, it will take a WILLFUL act of subversion to drive drunk. Anyone caught this way will be charged with Attempted Murder, and punished accordingly. At the very least, they will NEVER be allowed to drive again. Once this provision is enforced stringently, watch the DUIs come down. Anyone who causes someone to die because of Drunk Driving after the Breathalyzers have been added will be guilty of premeditated murder, and will be executed.29 These people do not belong in our society, and in many ways are more dangerous than the hardened killer is, because their victims are chosen indiscriminately. No more.

29 2008 Hyperion (me) is a little more forgiving than 2000 Hyperion, and I am not sure if that’s a good thing. Although I am sure my pansy-ass won’t include this thought in the final draft of the Breathalyzer column, I would not lose a single night’s sleep if you executed every motherfucking DUI killer there was, and it costs me (both literally and figuratively) half the people I know and love, so be it.

Well, these are my first seven ideas: what I will do when I am president. All of the issues need to be better explained, and they will in the coming weeks and months. I wanted you, though, to get a sense of what I am about. I am sorry if I come off harsh tonight, but I realized I was not able to go through with this until I got to the point like the famous scene in the movie “Network” where I could go to the window, throw it open and say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”30

30 Bloody great movie. Someone remind me to review it soon.


(If that's not hiding a conspiracy, I don't know what is)


Stay tuned to find out what I plan to do with Medicine companies, Big Milk, child molesters, and our language, among other topics. For now, this is Hyperion saying I am sick and tired of our sham choices in our elections and I intend to do something about it.31 I hope you come with me.

31 Dammit, if I read too many more 2000 columns, I may run yet. Maybe my inner-badass can kick my inner pansy’s ass.


Hyperion October 28, 2000


Tip Ins:

Make sure you check out International Day. This week's holidays include Colonel Sanders and sexy bosses (those are the same day, you pervs). Also check out Monkey Barn, for some Muppet Nudity, great links, and the world's weirdest rap.


I want you to come back, so the picture ties in!


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