Monday Musings




The following are random musings, each with at least one joke, sometimes more. A few of them are, ahem, adult. Also, I decided not to bother actually explaining the jokes. Each musing that you get should make you feel good about yourself, smug with the knowledge that you are superior to your co-workers. Conversely, each musing you don’t get should remind you that your co-workers have the collective skill-set of an Amish whorehouse, so don’t get too cocky. You’re still an idiot, after all. Enjoy.



Potpourri, Volume XXXIII - Monday Musings


I was thinking about Meat Loaf the other day (the singer, not the food), and it hit me. What was the one thing Meat Loaf would not do for love? Talk about Fight Club.


The other day I was arguing with my brother about something, and he said, “I assume that....” I interrupted him by reminding him of an old family saying, “You know what happens when you assume, right?” He nodded and finished the adage with me: “You take for granted the proposition, as if it were known to be true.”


I don’t want to say that all of our old family sayings sucked, but I don’t have any problem writing it down.


There has been a lot of talk lately about the Jonas Brothers and their Purity Rings. I don't know what the big deal is. I had a Purity Ring growing up. It was called, “the girls of my high school.”1 100% success rate, I am sorry to say.


Remember that old TV show? The one with the guy, who would always catch the other guy? They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. I wonder what ever happened to that guy?


The other day I was in a store and saw a sign that read DON'T TRY ON THE MERCHANDISE. Great; now I will never know how I look in camembert.


I saw on the news that Tina Turner was in Galveston, Texas all last week helping people get ready for the hurricane. Makes sense. If anyone knows how to take a punch from Ike, it’s Tina.


Why did no one ever think to have an orgy with Li'l Kim, Maya, Missy Elliot, Christina Aguilera and Paddington Bear?


It seems to me that OBVIOUSLY is the most unnecessary word one could ever use.


The other day Prince's "Kiss" came on the radio. I was singing along when it suddenly occurred to me that when Prince sang, "Act your age, not your shoe-size," he must have confused half of Europe.


I am having a lot of emotional issues lately. Every time I start to get romantic with a girl, I start crying uncontrollably. I have GOT to build up a tolerance to pepper spray.


You know what would make a really great game show? FAMILY BLOOD FEUD.


Is it possible that before he became a famous rapper, Grand Master Flash was a champion chess player?


The other day I was in the foyer of a restaurant, waiting for a table. A woman walked in and sat down next to me. She asked, "Been here long?" "A little over 32 years," I told her.


The other day I was at the Doctor's office. On a big locked cabinet in the corner was a sign that read NO MEDICINE WITHOUT ID. I turned to the Doctor and said, "I see you're a Freudian."2


I had a blind date with a girl who casually told me that she belonged to the Union of Genetically Enhanced Space Hookers. I told her it probably wouldn’t work out between us. My family always sides with Management over Labor. (It’s true: First Mondays in September mean nothing to us.)


That gives me an idea. I think a great tee shirt would read, GENETICALLY ENHANCED SPACE HOOKERS DO IT FOR MONEY…… (BECAUSE THEY ARE HOOKERS). Okay, maybe it is not that catchy, but I will thank you not to poke fun at an old family saying.


I wish I were a werewolf. That way if I was a big jerk people would say, "Oh, don't mind him. It's just his time of the month."


Hyperion
September 15, 2008


Endnotes

1 Shamelessly stolen from Chris Johnson of the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer

2 Then I fucked his mom



Andy Capp, you are the wind beneath my wings.


1 comment:

Bogart said...

I love these! I can't believe no one has commented yet...I, on the other hand, have an excuse: we're clearing rubble from Ike's wrath--in Cincinnati!