It Takes an (Ecumenical) Pillage

To go along with today's Advent, I have a number of gifts that you, grateful readers, can get me, magnanimous and fearless leader.

Several years ago I was totally against gifts. I felt it was too material, and did not reflect any of the values and ethos of the season that I wished to contemplate.

However, I was convinced of the error of my ways. As it was s'plained to me, not receiving gifts denies the Giver the opportunity to give, which is the whole purpose. People like to give; it warms their soul.

Who am I to keep people from bettering themselves?

So, like I said, I have come around completely here. I now accept gifts not only for Christmas, but for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Winter Solstice, Yule, Dinosaur Present Day (featuring T-Rex), and any other holiday you may celebrate.


With all that in mind, I have compiled a list of gifts that would be nice, should you choose to better yourselves.


What I think I need most is a pen that will write upside-down. I am spending more and more time on my back, and unable to write on a computer. I can write on a pad of paper, but have to write "up" and you know how normal pens work. Well, Fisher Space Pens, the greatest pen company on earth, developed the space pen ink cartridge, which is pressure-filled, and able to write on virtually any surface (including air), and upside-down.

A few years ago I had a gorgeous red Sensa Pen, with the fisher ink cartridge. What makes the Sensa so great is that it has a gel wrap around the edge for finger comfort. It's hard for me to find a pen sturdy enough for my humongous fingers to use. The Sensa pen was the nicest I ever had.

I found it at Sensa Online, and a little cheaper at Amazon. (It's on my Amazon Wishlist, if you're interested.) Any color would be great. I don't have to have this pen, but my fingers can't use small pens, and I have to be able to write upside-down.


I like to either have extra long hair, like a Viking, or else shaved completely. Right now I'm in a shaved phase, and when I do shave, it's rather tough. Regular clippers don't work too well, and to use an electric shaver means you have to do it every day, which is tough too.

Then my brother told me about this great Vidal Sassoon Palm Shaver. They're clippers that fit in your palm and are contoured to shave your head! And they're cheap! How cool is that? (Pretty damn cool.)


I definitely need a new backpack, and even though I don't have a laptop, I plan on getting one soon, so a laptop sleeve is essential. (I do have an awesome laptop bag already, but I'm thinking in case I have to go on the lam or something.)

My favorite store on Earth, Zappos, has several models that seem pretty sweet.

Nike Core Large Backpack

Nike Edge Elite Air Medium Backpack

I found a pretty sweet one on Amazon too, called the

Swiss Gear Computer Backpack

All of the above, even the ones from Zappos, are on my Amazon Wish List. My brother has had a North Face backpack for several years, but when I priced them they were all so expensive, so I didn't put any of those up. Basically, though, I need a large backpack, for a (maybe someday) laptop, and for my many books, papers, gods and stuffed animals I carry around.


I got a really sweet Indiana Jones hat a few months ago, but I also need an baseball cap for all-around wear. I have such a large head that the adjustable caps don't really fit me; I need fitted. (I wear size 8, which is very hard to find in stores. Luckily, they are online!)

I found some sweet lidded hats on They're all black and have mysterious Logos. This one above is for Hawaii, but really seems like it's for Hyperion. Others I love:

Rocket Power, baby! (for the Toledo Rockets)

Growly Cat Roaaaaarrrrrrrrrr! (Kansas State Wild Cats)

I was tempted to put up the Wichita St. Shockers, but didn't out of respect for you.

Of course, Logos aren't the most important things on earth. Here is a black logo-less cap (like Legolas, except the hat can act), for only $15. It's adjustable, but specifically made for big heads like mine.

(All of these are also up on my Amazon Wish List.)


I'm not pushing DVDs and Books as hard this year, since I am so blessed to have some great ones already, and the library provides so many of my reading/viewing wants and needs.

But, you know me. Of COURSE I have a list of things I'd like. Rather than enumerate them, though, I have simply put the items on the Wish List. Since I have great taste, feel free to use that list as a guide for purchasing books and movies for others!


Gift Cards are always yummy! Just about any place is grand, but my most wished for would be....

Zappos: the best store on Earth
Best Buy - So many things to want
King Size Direct = For we "greatly statured" fellows
Amazon - duh

Also, gift Subscriptions, even for a little while, for Netflix or Blockbuster online would be sweet as well.


I love food, but really shouldn't ask for it. However, if your world was going to end if you DIDN'T get me some food,

I love almonds and pistachios in almost all forms. I love trail mixes, either all fruit, all carbs (and I don't mind "Asian" hot), but not the nuts/raisin combos. Chocodiles (Chocolate Twinkies) are worth killing for, but so damn expensive! Boar's Head Turkey and Roast Beef is to die for, but I don't know how you'd ship it. Chick-Fil-A gift cards would ship, however. (As would Sonic, Olive Garden, Outback, Longhorn's, Carrabba's, and Subway.

Then there's Beef Jerky......

The important thing about this list is not that I want presents and I'm all greedy. No, the important thing is that you feel beholden to me, since I provide you with so many hours of entertainment, and am soon to be your leader.

Just kidding. (sort of) The important thing is that I no longer wish to stand in the way of people who want to give. Use this as a guide for people in your own life. (Several great gift ideas on Monkey Barn, too.)

And if you are going to send to me, make sure you get my address right! (Amazon's Wish List is cool, in that they already have my address, so it's a done deal.)

Hyperion Archon
540 Front Ave.
Columbus Georgia

My Wish List

Send me YOUR Wish Lists, and I'll get YOU something!


Solstice Claus is going to have to make two trips
to haul all the loot to my house this year!

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