"Just Add a Sentence" - the Craziest Story you'll ever read

The idea was to write a group-story as fast as possible, with each person adding one sentence and sending it on as quickly as they could. I only used people on IM--so that I could hound them to get it back to me so I could sling the story on. We ended up with at least 12 different people in 6 different countries (including Ohio) adding to the madness. No one wrote more than one sentence at any time, and no one wrote more than two sentences. It was all anonymous; even I lost track of who did what.

The resulting tale is a mess that would get you kicked out of an English class, but I think it's entertaining anyway. Yes, the temp seems to be wearing leather pants AND a skirt (go figure), and what Zambonis, aliens and flying monkeys have to do with anything I will never know, but hey: it's a story that wouldn't exist without the insanity of all involved, so I say "Viva la Crazy!"



The moment Chase got a look at the new secretary temp, he just knew there'd be trouble. It wasn't the dog collar, nose piercing, tat or tight leather pants but her last season's Jimmy Choos which made Chase shudder. It wasn't the Chinese food in between her teeth or the booger hanging halfway out her nose either, what was it that was so special about her?

Chase drifted between the haze of reality and the abyss of insanity that some people call delirium, for he knew that in that sweet spot of consciousness he could see farther into her soul that anyone or anything...and that power was arousing new feelings.

"Chips and salsa is good to eat while watching monkeys swing from trees," The temp continued to stare blankly at the monitor on her desk, seemingly unaware that these words had left her lips - or even entered her head for that matter.

Chase was snapped back to reality by the realization she was code-talking about the new swingers lunch bar that specializes in chips and salsa two days a week; now he understood why she was so flushed and happy when returning from lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays, and OMG its 11:30, is she really asking what he thinks shes asking? Yes she asked Chase if he wanted to go to a Hockey Game, seats on the glass and a Zamboni ride, how could he pass this up?

As he pondered that question, Chase glanced at the temp's mini-skirt, and noticed not only a fine set of gams, but the outline of a stiletto blade strapped to her thigh. Chase, not wanting to miss the opportunity, raced frantically through his vast mental catalogue of pick-up lines until he settled on one that he thought would be professional-sounding enough to avoid a sexual harassment lawsuit:

"I think it's time we rally the hockey puck!"

"I want to see your hockey stick," said the temp, making Chase blush.

Chase and the temp looked at each other, eyes glazed over with lust (or was that pollen?), and they both realized that all of their lives had been leading up to this point. Grabbing her by the dog collar and roughly pulling her forward, Chase knew it was the perfect time, saying, "We don't need their salsa; it's hot enough in here."

At that moment, the door to the Chase Chimichanga's Samurai Sword repair shop banged open, and in walked the last person Chase ever wanted to see. It was the temp's ex-boyfriend, "Buzzsaw" McGillicuddy, with nun-chucks in hand. His leather vest could barely contain his....passion for Chase as he grabbed at him and kissed him hard.

The temp's eyes bulged, not realizing that this was not a sexy kiss, but the dreaded Praying Mantis Kiss of Bad Intentions, given by mortal enemies right before they fought to the death (or at least a really nasty paper cut).

Chase knew he had to retaliate in a way that would show how eager he was to start another round of this never-ending fight between two aliens, that came from different inimical planets and were trapped in these fragile human bodies, but all he could really think about was an itch behind his damn so human ear and that almost-oh-so-magical ointment that was waiting for him on the bed-side table.

His hind foot began to twitch, and before he could stop it, his wingtip was flying across the temp's desk and his protruding claws were nearly at their target, which was Buzzsaw McGillicuddy's face. Buzzsaw parried the move and then the fight was truly on. Chase countered Buzzsaw's deft moves with his own acrobatic skills that would make a Cirque de Soleil performer's leotard bulge. Buzzsaw greeted every flip with a wry smile because he knew...Chase's moves so well. They had both been trained on the same alien planet (Rigell 7), and had grown up the best of friends. Now the only thing that mattered--in the entire universe--was that temp, and what she had hidden in her bra.

Hidden there was a tiny - not bigger than an eye of a newborn Chinese hare - cameo on a thin golden chain that held a portrait of an unearthly creature – to otherworldly to be beautiful - or human – but so deeply important to both Chase and Buzz, for she was the reason they lost their friendship and spent all these years, resources and brain-power trying to kill one another, because as we all know, in the end there can be only one head-bodyguard to the Empress Of All Who Are Alive – this is a job that cannot be shared!

The End

Thanks to everyone who helped. I promised to be anonymous, so I won't give shout-outs, but you all are the wind beneath my wings. (Flyyyyyyyyyyyy!)

This is a Cameo, by the way.
(I was going to make a game of figuring out
which two sentences were Koz's, but at this
point his momentum-derailing antics are so
well known it's probably too obvious.)

1 comment:

db grin said...

Whee! That was fun.

Oh crap, that was more than one sentence.