NFL Cognomen

My friend Sparky Duck and I only agree on three things, but one of them is that SPORTS = AWESOME.

With the Super Bowl on Friday, we decided to do a joint venture, and rank the NFL teams by their Cognomen. (Their team names, for those of you in the Dover area.)

We ranked the teams by Conference, and worked separately from each other. We didn't know the other's picks, and it's interesting to see how similar we think and times, and how different, too!

Sparky Duck's Picks are highlighted for his beloved NFC (with mine in parenthesis), and then we reverse it for the AFC.

Enjoy the lists, and Enjoy the Super Bowl!

NFL COGNOMEN - The Definitive Ranking(s)


16. New Orleans Saints-Ok, look at the pope, is he intimidating? I thought not
(Hyperion -
#16 - Redskins (Washington) - The Worst Cognomen in professional sports. Imagine a racial equivalent.)

15. Green Bay Packers-While I love the Packers, when I think Packers, I think GED graduate sending me my office supplies
(Hyperion -
#15 Seahawks (Seattle) - What the hell is a Seahawk? They don't have the guts to just call them gulls.)

14. San Francisco 49ers-In it for the money
(Hyperion -
#14 Cardinals (Arizona) - Hey, I've been a big supporter of Arizona throughout the playoffs, but cardinals are boring birds. Now if it were the super-priests, then we might have something.)

13. Arizona Cardinals-Cardinals are a winter bird, tiny, and for gaia's sake red. Unless it gets your eyes, you are not fearing
(Hyperion -
#13 Packers (Green Bay) - I salute the hard-working meat packers of Wisconsin. I also salute plumbers and garbage-men. I don't want teams named after 'em.)

12. Dallas Cowboys-Of the men that are in the Mascot world, a wrangler can only beat a guy shipping boxes
(Hyperion -
#12 Saints (New Orleans) - You could never take a saint to the Maxim Super Bowl party.)

11. Washington Redskins-The name is offensive to some, and while there is honor in it, a Redskin is not a Chief, hence the number.
(Hyperion -
#11 Rams (St. Louis) - I can think of at least 25 different horned animals I like better.)


10. Seattle Seahawks-The claws are killer, but its smaller then an eagle, and its Seattle, the damn bird is probably soaked
(Hyperion -
#10 49rs (San Francisco) - It's kind of cool how they were known for the Gold Rush, but do you think those guys ever bathed?)

9. Atlanta Falcons-Could a Falcon take a ram, perhaps, but its just a big chicken
(Hyperion -
#9 Falcons (Atlanta) - This is a pretty sweet bird to represent you. They go 140 mph and have talons, baby!)

8. St Louis Rams-The horns would hurt, but its slow and its a relative of a goat
(Hyperion -
#8 Eagles (Philadelphia) - About the only bird better than a falcon, and that's only because Eagles can carry off goats!)

7. Philadelphia Eagles-The symbol of the USA, giant birds. But they are birds
(Hyperion -
#7 Cowboys (Dallas) - America's last civilized savage.)

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-The problem with them is that a Buccaneer is a pirate, and Johnny Depp was a pirate
(Hyperion -
#6 Giants (New York) - They're big! What's not to love?)

5. Minnesota Vikings-Helped by the fact they carry an Axe
(Hyperion -
#5 Vikings (Minnesota) - They marauded, they pillaged, they made Columbus look like a pansy.)

4. NY Giants-Huge, but a human, the speed of a bear or a lion could take them out
(Hyperion -
#4 Panthers (Carolina) - Is there anything sexier than a panther? At least in the killer-cat variety? I say no.)

3. Carolina Panthers-Quick, and muscular. But smaller then the rest that are left. I have an affinity for cats
(Hyperion -
#3 Buccaneers (Tampa Bay) - Let us not forget they were pirates, and cold-hearted scoundrels at that. By the way, do you know how much it costs for pirates to get their lobes pierced? A buck an ear!)

2. Detroit Lions-The King of the Jungle, huge, and I would love to see a battle 1 and 2, but you have to give it to #1
(Hyperion -
#2 Bears (Chicago) - If there was an animal Royal Rumble, this is who North America would send.)

and the number one NFC Cognomen is.....

1. Chicago Bears-A bear, a giant animal that could rip your neck out. ITS A BEAR!
(Hyperion -
#1 Lions (Detroit) - They team has been terrible forever, and may always be terrible. But Lions are the King of the Jungle, baby! Hear them Roar!)


#16 Browns (Cleveland) - The Browns are named after the owner of Cincinnati's team! And if you're going to be named after a color, why not something cool, like the Blacks or the Silvers or the Purples! I would totally follow the Purples.
(Sparky Duck -
16. Cleveland Browns-Paul Brown, old, dead, but not a Mascot.)


#15 Patriots (New England) - Anyone who feels the need to tell you he's patriotic is either obnoxious or hiding something.
(Sparky Duck -
15. Houston Texans-I am sorry, I can not rank a human being higher then a bird, just because I see a Texan as a really fat guy.)

#14 Texans (Houston) - "Ooh, look at me! My team name is my state!" Get over yourself, Texas.
(Sparky Duck -
14. Baltimore Ravens-While I like Edgar Allen Poe, and the movie the birds scares the crap out of me, a bird that you can avoid by going inside is not scary.)

#13 Chargers (San Diego) - What are they? Lightning? Light-Brigaders? Shopaholics? Major points off for being too clever.
(Sparky Duck -
13. Pittsburgh Steelers-I maybe biased, but a guy in a union? Scary team, not a scary mascot.)

#12 Steelers (Pittsburgh) - Mad props to the good folks who bring us Steel. But I don't want you for a team name. That's just weird.
(Sparky Duck -
12. Indianapolis Colts-Though the same name as my high school, its a baby horse known for running, are you intimidated?)

#11 Dolphins (Miami) - Dolphins are supposedly pretty smart (though: why can't they avoid the tuna nets?), but do you really want to be representative by a
(Sparky Duck -
11. Miami Dolphins-Ok they scare sharks, just not anyone else)

#10 Colts (Indianapolis) - Yeah, it's a horse, but it's just a baby! (Now, if it were a Colt Revolver....)
(Sparky Duck -
10. Denver Broncos-Look at my description of the Colts and then just make it older and if its Denver, probably colder.)

#9 Bills (Buffalo) - Buffalo Bill was surely a great man, but the joke of naming the team "in Buffalo" after him had to get old in like a week. I think the Buffalo Buffaloes would have been much better, and this gives me and excuse to tell you about the coolest grammatically correct sentence imaginable: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."
(Sparky Duck -
9. Buffalo Bills-Ok its big and scary, but also slow as hell!)

#8 Ravens (Baltimore) - Ravens are smart, but mostly I like 'em because they get to hang out on the bust of Pallus ad torment poets.
(Sparky Duck -
8. Oakland Raiders-I maybe biased by the fans, but it looks like a pirate, a pirate does have some heft)

#7 Broncos (Denver) - See, if you're going to have a horse represent you, this is the one to pick. Who can ride the untamed Bronco? No one, except A.C. Cowlings!
(Sparky Duck -
7. San Diego Chargers-This one was hard, its a natural phenomenon, but if it hits you, you are dead)

#6 Raiders (Oakland) - While not as specifically evil as a pirate or a Viking, they are still stealing stuff (by definition), and that's always good in my book.
(Sparky Duck -
6. Kansas City Chiefs-The real native Americans of the US, look what a Chief did to Custer.)

#5 Jaguars (Jacksonville) - Basically panthers that aren't black. Still menacing, and they make better purses! (Sparky Duck - 5. Tennessee Titans-Another tough call, since a regular Titan would not stand up to a giant wild cat, but some Titans were giants and defeated Greek Gods. Hence a Top 10 mention.)

#4 Chiefs (Kansas City) - Not sure I buy the Native Americans as Team Name thing. Some of them I hate. That said, if you were going to have one, Chiefs is the way to go. They're Indians = cool, and they're in charge! (Sparky Duck - 4. NY Jets-Look at a Jet, it is either filled with man made destruction, or huge as hell, not scary but have a 767 land on you.)

#3 Jets (New York) - You gotta look at football like a war. Be honest. You want some stealth bombers on your side or not?
(Sparky Duck -
3. New England Patriots-Saved the USA, If not we would be watching Chelsea vs Salt Lake FC Sunday)

#2 Bengals (Cincinnati) - Okay, they may not be as cool as Siberians, but Bengals are still tigers, people! Let us NEVER forget that.
(Sparky Duck -
2. Cincinnati Bengals-There team sucked, but go to a zoo, look at a striped cat and see if you want to mess with it.)

and, the number one AFC Cognomen is.......

#1 Titans (Tennessee) - The Titans came before the gods. They were bigger than the gods. Oh, and lest we not forget.....this guy was a Titan.
(Sparky Duck -
1. Jacksonville Jaguars-Take the description of #2 and make them really really fast.)

Bonus Picks - SUPER BOWL

Sparky Duck - The fact that Wisenhunt knows everything about the Steelers, up to what gum Roethlisberger chews will make a difference. The Cardinals will steal a win, 35 to 24. Fitzgerald will catch 2 touchdowns, someone will block a punt and Roderick Hood will intercept the pass that seals the game.

Hyperion - I picked Arizona (plus the points) in all three playoff games, and took much heat for it. When the spread opened at +7 I liked the Cardinals to cover, but now I like them to win. Have I been influenced by their crazy run and my tender feelings toward them? Yes. This is why fans should never bet, but what the heck. Arizona to somehow win. Just a gut call, but I'm picking Bud Light to have the best commercial.

Have a Great Weekend!

Sparky Duck/Hyperion = Harky Duperion!

See that chick? That's Selene, Hyperion's Daughter. Talk about a dilemma....

1 comment:

Ltrain said...

I don't get the buffalo sentence... : (