River of Puke - and other Great Band Names

My good friend (and occasional MMA trainer) Rennratt has a Twitter Account I've been following.

(She also has a real live website, and yes, I am more than a little disturbed that I didn't lead with her actual work. Let's move on before I get too depressed to finish this.)

Last night, I was catching up on the people I follow on Twitter, and I read one of Rennratt's Twitters, or Tweets, as the Twitterverse calls them. (Personally, I favor Twittles, but what do I know?)

Rennratt has been a touch ill, and was relating that things seemed to be getting better:
"Ah. It seems that the river of puke has stopped. Yay!"

Upon reading this, I immediately replied, excited, for River of Puke had to be a name of something, only....I could not think of what!

Rennratt wrote back, with the obvious answer: a really bad punk band. Of course!

Why didn't I think of that?

No, really?

Not only is that the natural genre for River of Puke, but even if it was counter-intuitive, naming things--especially bands--that's what I do!

Nothing could be a better illustration of how much I need to dive head-long back into writing (even if it causes permanent paralysis), more than the realization that I did not immediately think "bad punk band" upon hearing "River of Puke."

I know, I know: you can cut the poignancy with a knife.

Anyway, the incident reminded me that back in the year two-thousand and five I did compile a few of my favorite made-up band names. here they are:


#11 Dictator Tots (post-Wheezer) – You can almost hear the music in your head, can’t you? Jumpy, bright…you can never tell if they’re being ironic or not. Their first album would be The BLKF Theory.

#10 Gingivitis (Grunge) – This band name alone might totally bring back Grunge to the music scene.

#9 Pilate Error (Christian) –In case you weren’t up on these things, the Bible tells us that Pilate was ultimately responsible for having Jesus killed, and it’s a play on words with pilots. Get it? I know it’s lame, but have you heard Christian music or seen what they’re calling their bands lately? This will fit right in.

#8 Olive Transfer Snatch (College Radio) – I am not entirely sure what this music would sound like (Hyperion has too much self-respect to listen to college radio), but know that everyone would want to own a tee shirt.

#7 Monkey’s Punk (Punk) – This is a no brainer. You read the name, but do me a favor and say it out loud. Did you catch it? Say it again. See? Is there any punk fan on earth that wouldn’t love that?

#6 Viscosity/Thermal Breakdown (Metal) – Ever since I saw those Castrol commercials about how your engine will have bad viscosity (which leads to thermal breakdown) unless you use their motor oil, I just knew that either term would make a great band name. Can’t you see some long-haired thrashing going on with these bands?

#5 Dominion Over Everything Totally Sweet (Pop) – You just KNOW they’d all be dressing like ninjas in their first video. I can see the band being led by a chick, who would do ninja stuff on stage…and bring the freaking house down.

#4 Jedi Dwarf (Rock) – Rock wouldn’t be the only genre that could handle this name. Who wouldn’t want to be called this? Seriously: I’m thinking about legally changing my name.

#3 Alligator God/Ghost Alligator (Cyber) – I can’t decide which would be a better name, but either way, you can totally see them producing some great Moby-esque tracks at a rave. (And yes, this name is in honor of Brajj.)

#2 F***d Up Muffins (Garage Band) – Since the name’s goodness speaks for itself, a quick story on how I named it. Koz and I were planning on meeting at Phipps Plaza by the movie theatre. Since it was a big place, we were trying to narrow it down, and I couldn’t remember the name of the food court shop right next to the theatre. I said, “You know that place right next the theatre….F***d Up Muffins?” I instantly knew this would not only make a great great name for a muffin shop, but a band name as well.

#1 Kinslayer and Smidget (Folk) – Just writing those words I’m getting all excited about calling Ticket Master and getting some primo seats. (And I don’t even care about the $34 service charge!) This totally needs to be a duo, kind of Simon and Garfunkle meets Elvis, unplugged. I suppose I should tell the origin story here too. Kinslayer is a term used in my favorite book series, the Wheel of Time, about a guy who goes crazy and kills his family (hey: we’ve all been there). Smidget came about when we first moved to Georgia. I had heard about this pastor’s daughter named Leah, who was supposedly hell on wheels. Everyone kept talking about her (including my brother Achmed, whom I’m fairly sure had a major crush), and anyway, at a picnic I finally was introduced. She was like 4 feet tall! I looked at her and exclaimed, “You’re a sexy midget! I shall call you Smidget!” The name totally stuck, and to this day people call her that.

I think I’m going to go write some songs.


December 9, 2005 (see original post)

Other Band Name Lists:

Hyperion asked for help from the Readers to come up with the best Harry Potter Band Names . (As usual, Hyperion provided the proper genre.)

The Readers also chipped in for the greatest Simpsons Band Names.

Even when not naming Bands, Hyperion is judging other band names, as when he graded the Best Pop Band Names, or when he graded the best backup band names, rap band names, and miscellaneous.

I miss you, Brajj!

1 comment:

rennratt said...

You should go online and listen to 96rockonline.com from Raleigh, NC. The afternoon shift (3-6?), "Foster and The Blade" has a segment called "Bad Band Name of the Day".