She Done Him Wrong




[Barbie turns 50 today! Strangely enough, I actually wrote about Barbie five years ago, the last time she had a momentous life change. It's definitely worth checking out. - H]



the Hyperion Chronicles
“Why don’t you come up some time and see me?”



#280 She Done Him Wrong



DATELINE: MALIBU

People, I know sometimes it can be difficult to tell when I’m joking, so let me say up front that what I bring to you today is serious as a heart attack. Actually, those are kind of funny. Let me rephrase: what I bring to you today is as serious as Bob Saget on America’s Funniest Videos. (Definitely NOT funny.)

Late last week it was announced—brace yourself, preferably between a couch and the wall, or possibly with a stiff belt of scotch—that the Forever Couple is no more.

Barbie Millicent Roberts and Ken Carson are history.



In an ominous sign, Barbie refuses to touch the balls


Meeting on the set of a commercial (cue music to Isn’t it Romantic), the couple had been together for over 43 years. They’d weathered some storms, like the time Barbie went camping with G.I. Joe (something about his “kung-fu” grip), Ken’s avid interest in the life of Barbie’s younger sister Skipper, or even the times Ken went camping with G.I. Joe.

But they’d always stayed together.

Until now.

Neither party could be reached for comment, but their friends are still talking. “They’d grown apart,” said Rainbow Brite diplomatically. Other friends were more blunt: “She’s been everything from an astronaut to president, and all he’s ever done is be a beach bum,” said Jem (of Jem and Holograms), whom we have it on authority is “truly outrageous.”

Best friend My Little Pony Princess said, “Neighhhhhhh!” Translated, that means, “After 43 years without a marriage proposal, what did you expect?”

Not surprisingly, Ken’s friends had a different take. “She had problems from day one, esteem issues.” said friend Teddy Ruxpin. “I mean, look at her breasts. They got bigger and bigger and bigger, and it was just never enough for her. And no matter what she tried she didn’t stick with it.”



She has the Powwwerrrrrr!


Best Friend He-Man was more direct: “What man in his right mind would stay with a girl for 43 years—especially with those melons—who didn’t put out?”

There were always rumors the two had, as Care Bear Tender-Heart put it, “hit the sheets” but they were never confirmed. In fact, it is unclear whether this act would have been anatomically possible at all. On the one hand, Rick James did dedicate “Superfreak” to Barbie, but on the other hand, it’s Rick James, so no help there.

There’s also the rumor started by Strawberry Shortcake that Barbie was never interested in sex because, “she always had a lot of back pain, from, you know, the howitzers.” The truth may never be known.


Strawberry Shortcake: not getting the Victoria's Secret gig


What is known is that both are now on the market. Their spokesman, Mattel, has issued a statement saying that both would remain friends, but sources close to Barbie have stated that she’s already looking around. She’s been spotted with My Buddy, Xavier McDaniels, and Ben Affleck, although in the latter case, nobody thinks that will last.

Meanwhile, Ken has not taken it so well. He’s been holed up in his apartment, seeing virtually no one. “The man’s a wreck," confides Optimus Prime. “When it’s all said and done, he loved that woman, and gave her the best years of his life. Then she just up and leaves him. I tell you,” Optimus continued stoically, “She done him wrong.”


Hyperion
February 20, 2004

Credits
Thanks to all the friends of both parties who went on record
Thanks to Koz

Motto Explanation
It’s a quote from Mae West (a blond heartbreaker herself) from her movie, She Done Him Wrong


[And what about the pictures I couldn't use, because they were too juicy for a Family column? (Pictures safe for work, but not safe for people without a sense of humor.)]




They're all sisters, friend. Even the plastic ones.

1 comment:

Debbie said...

Despite how you begin this article ... heart attacks are NOT funny!!! I myself suffered a serious heart attack in 1995. I was NOT laughing then, and I still do NOT laugh about it to this day! I'm very disappointed that you, a man so over-the-top on political correctness, would stoop to laughing at those who have suffered from heart disease.

I do believe that a column SOLELY DEDICATED to a heartfelt apology to myself, and others who've suffered heart attacks, is in order!!