The Other 45 Ways To Leave Your Lover

(XXXI Days of Poetry, MMXII)

In 1975 Paul Simon wrote the iconic song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." Featuring a sultry drumbeat, a sleepy ballad for the lyrics then the rousing sing-along chorus, it's no wonder it became one of his biggest hits.

The only problem: as we sing the song we come to realize that there are only 5 ways, not 50!

They are:

You Just slip out the back, Jack (1)
Make a new plan, Stan (2)
You don't need to be coy, Roy (3)
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus (4)
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee (5)
And get yourself free

That's fine for Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus and Lee, but what about the others? Is it possible there are only 5 ways, and Paul realized that 50 was more musical? (Candyshop notwithstanding.) More likely, Paul was just having so much fun that he forgot to include the other lyrics.

Thankfully there's me.

In an effort to help a fellow musician and writer, I have taken it upon myself to pen the missing lyrics. Bonus: the song was written from a female perspective to a male, and thus featured only male names. However, we are a full-service lover-leaving advice Empire, so you will find both male and female names below. You might even find your own name, in which case tell your significant other I'm sorry.

Without further ado:

The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover

1. Fake your own death, Seth 
2. Make up a story, Rory 
3. Pee on his leg, Meg 
4. Offend her parents, Clarence
5. Get eaten by piranhas, Shawna 
6. Flee the scene, Francine 
7. Tell him you're not ready, Betty 
8. Give her a giant snake, Jake 
9. Get up and leave Steve 
10. Renew your visa, Lisa 
11. Tell her you're a fairy, Kerry 
12. Call for a taxi, Maxi
13. Go back to your Ex, Rex 
14. Hide in Argentina, Gina 
15. Say she looks super fat, Matt 

16. Buckshot to the Fanny, Annie 
17. S*** in her bed, Achmed 
18. Get shot out a cannon, Shannon 
19. Fly on a plane, Dwayne 
20. Climb out on a limb, Tim 
21. Tell him Go to Hell, Michelle 
22. Ride a new filly, Billy 
23. Call her a fat ugly bitch, Rich 
24. Rev up your Harley, Carly 
25. Serve some poisoned flan, Mary-Anne 
26. Fake a heart attack, Barack 
27. Get tried at the Hague, Craig 
28. Just stop all the lyin', Brian 
29. Tell him you're a fella, Ella 
30. Time to hitchhike, Mike 

31. Create a smokescreen, Chrystine 
32. Walk out the do', Joe 
33. Hide among the citizenry, Henry 
34. Act really tricky, Nicki 
35. Vanish without a trace, Grace 
36. Turn into a soulless whore, Al Gore 
37. Contract MS, Dennis 
38. Get sent to jail, Dale 
39. Turn really queer, Samir
40. Crash her new car, Jafar 
41. Get caught with her sister, Mr. 
42. Move to Spain, Elaine 
43. Skulk away, Dr. Dre 
44. Become a Neo-Nazi, Potsie 
45. Pick a new set of criterion, Hyperion

And get yourself free.......

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Shoulda seen the ones I had to cut


Jacquelin said...

Can't stop laffing. Very good :)

Hyperion said...

Thank you!

Débora González Gámez said...

Loved it, really funny!

I was wondering, where did you took the first picture of the post? Is lovely

Hyperion said...

Do you mean the one with the lady looking down at the guy hanging from the edge of the cliff?