All My Ex's Are Emotional Wreckses

The Thirty-One Days of Poetry (2013 Edition)

Day - the Second

I have done many jobs in my day, from flamenco dancer to antelope rustler, from teaching quantum semantics at a Carpathian mountain boarding school to a unicorn porn fluffer. (Also known as Unicornography, or My Little Porny.)

And, just like Dag Hammarskjöld and John Grisham before me, I spent a brief period of time pitching song ideas to country music writers.

It is to this last activity that I draw your attention. The year was about 1986, give or take. I was pitching ideas to country music scribe Sanger Shafer and his fourth wife Linda. Sanger wanted to write a song about all his Ex wives and girlfriends, a great subject for a country music song, I am sure you will agree. He just needed a catchy hook.

It took me 51 tries before I found one that Sanger liked, which became the famous song All My Ex's Live in Texas. Obviously he picked a winner. However, I thought maybe you would like to see some of the other attempts, so I have a few of them below, along with any notes [in brackets like this.]

All my Ex's drive a Lexus [rejected as at the time there was no such thing as a Lexus]

All my Ex's developed anaphylaxis (to me)

All my Ex's maxed out my AMEXes

All my Ex's gave me complexes

All my Ex's made me Chex mixes [rejected for Trademark issues]

All my Ex's wouldn't show me the Carfaxes

All my Ex's put (on me) Hexes

All my Ex's stuffed with Kleenexes [similarly rejected for Trademark issues. Fourth wife Linda was fond of this one.]

All my Ex's burned down duplexes

All my Ex's looked bad in spandexes

All my Ex's stole my Rolexes [maybe Timexes for Country Music crowd?]

All my Formers gonna spend eternity someplace warmer

All my Ex's punched me in the solar plexus

All my Ex's are emotional wreckses

All my Ex's now have Syphilis

All my Ex's are greedy lying whores

All my Ex's were cadaverous lays

All my Ex's smelled "down there" like a greyhound bus bathroom after a charter trip carrying a minor-league hockey team from Tucson to Abilene with a stop in El Paso to eat world-famous super caliente (hot!) Chicos Tacos

[It was at this point I knew I was going off the deep end, so I tried to wrap it up with one more family-friendly one]

All my Ex's dance like T-Rexes

Here is the complete song the Shafers wrote. They did great, but but would have loved to hear a couple of my other ideas!

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all MY exes are probably in some sort of club where they talk about me


Ltrain said...

A few more of these should have become songs. And what about "All my exes decided to change sexes" - ?

Hyperion said...

Which they would sing every tranniversary.