Words That Don't Rhyme


#20 Plankton - This has to be one of the most underused words of our day. How there isn't a software company or a line of eco-toys with the Plankton brand is beyond me.

#19 Chimney - How come Chimney never became a sexual metaphor? (And to what would it refer?) 

#18 Angry - Angry is also one of only three words that end in "gry." (The other two words are in this parenthetical.)

#17 Aspirin - This only makes the list because my ankles are often the size of Valencia oranges. (Foreshadowing!)

#16 Bachelor - Remember when "Bachelor" used to mean something other than "show where 20 women make all women look horrible"? 

#15 Penguin - I find myself shocked penguins have not become nouveau riche pets yet. This will absolutely happen: trust me.

#14 Reptile - Why aren't more kids named Reptile? That just sounds like a tough name, right?

#13 Silver - Not only is there one Silver. There was only one David Silver. Has there ever been a more talented white hip-hop musician? (BTW: wouldn't it have been cool if Brian Austin-Green played the Silver Surfer?)

#12 Circus - Backstage at a Circus would make a really great sitcom, n'est pas? You have the clown, the animal trainer, the freaks, the ring master. I need to work on this.

#11 Chaos - I have a theory about this word....but by the time you read it the whole thing might be different.

#10 Film - I always wonder if we should make new words when technology changes their medium. For example, I spent five years trying to popularize "Dij phones" when phones went from cellular to digital before giving up.

#9 Galaxy - This is another word that would make a great girl's name. Also, any band would be better with "galaxy" in their name. or "monkey." Or "wizard." In fact, "Galaxy Monkey Wizards" would be such a great band name, I bet their entire audience would die diddling themselves over the name. (Yeah: I went there.)

#8 Orange - An essential part of the best knock-knock joke EVER! Also the best present you can get a one-year old. Trust me. They'll care not for Fisher-Price. They'll love the orange.

#7 Iron - I would vote for ANY presidential candidate if he gave himself the nickname "Iron." Tell me you wouldn't vote for "Iron Duncan Hunter" or "Iron Bill Richardson." You would! [Editor's Note: Originally wrote this list in January of 2008. I wouldn't vote for any of THIS year's candidates even if I got to sleep with trapeze-artist triplets for doing so.]

#6 Purple - This is why purple is so awesome: If ever there is a choice of flavors and you're not sure what to select: ALWAYS go with purple! Can't go wrong.

#5 Olive - I'm leaning toward declaring it nature's perfect food. (Which makes the fact that Popeye's horrific girlfriend shares the name all the more galling.)

#4 Wolf - Another great nickname. Barack "the Wolf" Obama? Fred "the Wolf" Thompson? Yeah, baby! [Again, 2008, although I maintain (now President) Obama should have done this.]

#3 Pizza - I think Pizza's anti-rhyming status actually gives it great powers. Who's with me?

#2 Shadow - True confession time: how many of you have ever stopped to try to remember whether it's "shadow of the valley of death" or "valley of the shadow of death"? 'Fess up!

and the number one word that has no rhyme is............

#1 Monster - There are all kinds of monsters in this world: and I love every one of 'em. 

Honorable Mention - width; sixth; transfer; sanction; pedant; pint; ninth; month; luggage; justice; hostage; glimpsed; fugue; empty; elbow; different; depth; anxious; angst; breadth; citrus; caveat; bulb; neutron; office; cannabis; citizen; engine; garbage; EMPIRE

[originally published January 08, 2008]

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